I found my no-contact mum’s blog
I (24 f)need to get this off my chest because I feel sick to my stomach and my hands are shaking.
I’ve been strictly no-contact with my mother (53 f) for six years. It was the hardest decision I ever made, and I had to make it as a child, but it was necessary for my safety. Today, a weird impulse took over and I searched her name online. I found a public blog on her personal website going back years.
The most recent post is about her house. Growing up, our home was always messy, but my siblings and I left in a hurry and it seems to have devolved into severe, unsafe hoarding. In the post, she actually admits to being a hoarder. For a split second, I felt this tiny spark of hope, she is reflecting and I did feel sadness for her having to go through the things we left when we were removed.
Then I kept reading.
She wrote a massive, multi-paragraph section blaming the entire thing on me and my siblings. She claims that our ‘abandonment’ broke her spirit so badly that she lost the emotional strength to address it all. She wrote that the piles of rubbish, old newspapers, and rotting boxes are just physical manifestations of the grief we inflicted on her. She even said each room represents the fact she had been rejected as a mother from us cutting ties.
The comment section is full of her friends and random strangers calling her a "warrior" and believing her warped side.
The absolute insanity of the mental gymnastics is mind-blowing. She was neglectful long before I left. I went no-contact because of her refusal to take accountability for anything. Now, she is using my absence as the ultimate excuse to avoid taking accountability for her current living conditions. Saying that it has become her hermitage.
I am not breaking contact. I am not stepping back into the fire. But seeing her completely rewrite history to a public audience hurts so much deeper than I expected. I just needed to vent this out into the void where she can't twist my words.
Previously she changed details about us leaving to her family who we stayed in contact with but they seemed to realise after a few years of defending her that we were making this decision after careful thought. Perhaps this is the only way she can talk about it too. But my heart still hurts that she can’t admit the reason why we left was her abuse.
I don’t know whether I should warn my loved ones that this stuff is, very publicly, out there or whether I should let them continue living their lives without what would be a very painful reopening of this wound. What do people think?