Citalopram - did it help you?
33F. First time posting, and very nervous to do so.
I have been struggling with my mental health for the past 4 or so years, each year worst than the last. I have always been a generally anxious person, but it’s been manageable. Depression has not.
The first time I got depression, I was told it was the result of “coming down” from such a high (I got engaged). This is what my counsellor told me, which I didn’t really enjoy hearing as it really just set me up to fail. I now find myself being afraid to find joy in anything, for fear of getting depressed. I was able to overcome this bout of depression without meds.
A few years later, I had a few extremely stressful life events occur in the space of 6 months (my estranged father died, bought my first home, was maid of honour for my best friend, moved into my new home, started a new job, had my own wedding). After my honeymoon, the depression hit hard. This time I went to my GP to try meds and went on Sertraline. This definitely reduced my anxiety which had spiked greatly, which I thought was as a result of starting the new job (in the big 4). However it made me feel completely numb, and I didn’t like not feeling anything on it. So I went off them.
I went months without anything and was doing ok, but in the past month I’ve just been overcome with anxiety and severe depression. I log on early and log off late, I dread logging on and even going to sleep, as I’m just so anxious and dreading every day. I bedrot any moment I’m not sitting at my laptop. Even at weekends when I see my friends, or go away anywhere with my husband, I am anxious and miserable (not their fault, they are all amazing).
I went to the doctors again who referred me for professional help this time, although god knows how long that will take. They said there could be unresolved trauma and stress from last year that I should get seen to in addition to medication. So I got prescribed citalopram. The doctors noted it may make things worse in the first few weeks, which I had with Sertraline too but I managed.
Last week I got some bad news about one of my friends and it resulted in a panic attack worse than I’ve ever had and I’ve felt so physically anxious and nauseous I called sick into work. My doctor gave me a 4 week fit note and I’m thinking of taking 2-3 weeks of it (the thought of taking more ironically makes me more stressed and I don’t think I can afford to be off more than this).
I am hoping this is just a result of the spiked anxiety and depression on the citalopram, but I’ve never been this bad and I’m really scared for myself. I feel like I’ll never feel happiness or content in my life again. I don’t have any suicidal thoughts, but I often fantasise about not being here, or about getting into a terrible accident so it’s not “my fault”. I feel terrible admitting that, even to a thread full of strangers. I feel so useless and selfish. I guess I would just like to know if anyone has any positive experiences on citalopram? I need something to help keep me going, as I’m just losing the will.
TLDR; Depressed and anxious first few weeks on citalopram, does anyone have any positive experiences to help keep me motivated / going?
Thank you for reading if anyone does!