Hard Time with Meta
Hi everyone! I'm Marty (38 NB). I'm not new to being poly but new to my current configuration and I'm struggling. I started seeing Xylophone (39 NB) and in the same week we met, they met Gnome (25 W).
Xylophone is new to poly and is enthusiastic, but struggles with over promising and under delivering. They often seek new experiences, without having regard for their current capacity. I like them a lot when we're together, but sometimes they slip up in sharing about other relationship and dating issues.
Gnome has little relationship experience, and we don't share the same values. I met her earlier on in the year, and while I didn't hate her, I did decide that I wasn't interested in pursing a friendship. We met before we were connected through Xylophone. Gnome has publicly been unaccountable with issues regarding colorism, and educational privilege. They struggle with boundaries and being told no, and have had public tantrums.
Xylophone has told me in the past that Gnome has tried to restrict Xylophone's time with me, and shares feelings of de-prioritization when we spend time together. Though Xylophone has told me they've pushed back, but because of Gnome's history, I can't help but feel like she's being very entitled, and being slightly competitive. She will have emotional outbursts, especially when Xylophone and I are about to see each other or if she feels like we're spending too much time together.
I find myself feeling stressed. I feel like I'm over-extending when I'm trying to negotiate time with Xylophone where they're emotionally present. Sometimes I feel jealousy towards my friends, who have poly configurations where folks really have taken the time and energy to build a solid foundation. I want that for me, and I'm letting Xylophone know that's what I want. They say they want that too, but I don't see how we can do this with what seems like interference from Gnome's part.
I want to support my sweetheart (Xylophone) in seeing other people and I don't want to end things, but I also understand that they're choosing to be in a connection that is draining.
Have folks dealt with anything similar? I'm down to look at books, podcasts, and other forms of media for ideas on how to navigate this, especially from BIPOC, but open to all.