u/AggressiveTeam4786

Yes, I know I acted like a jerk as well (am I avoidant?) Anyway, something to unpack another time. Right now just curious on your thoughts:

We agreed to be each others‘ rebounds (dumb idea now in retrospect). There were no rules in place… so I slept with someone else 2 weeks into the deal. He got mad but didn’t want to end our arrangement, instead wanted us to be explicit fwb. I said fine. He had me meet his mom and brought me to family gatherings. In every way, we were basically bf/gf except he never ever texted or called me to check on me between visits. Eventually I expressed that I was starting to feel used (bc I was catching feelings and he knew that). We got into an argument where he basically said he doesn’t want to stop sleeping with me. I pointed out how that is a pretty ridiculous solution to my specific problem. He said he gives up.. to which I thought he meant our arrangement. I ended up making out with the ex I was rebounding from. He found out and got mad at me. We had make up sex and then told me he had to block me for two weeks immediately after. Long story short - we keep up with our situationship when the block lifted. I say we should upgrade and call it a relationship (at this point we’re 6 months into this mess) and he breaks the whole thing off. What the hell.

Do you think he‘s avoidant or just really controlling or both?

I’m not excusing the behaviour… but really when you think of it, isn’t it heartbreaking to witness how an avoidant will reject love that is being offered to them whole-heartedly? That there are people out there who love them so much they would carry the entire relationship themselves hoping one day it’ll be enough, people who will self-abandon, shrink themselves, remove their own boundaries just for a morsel of affection? Isn’t it sad that they’ll never know, or refuse to know, just how important they are to someone? That they are the first thing on someone‘s mind when they wake up and that people will literally cry themselves to sleep at night thinking of them? They don’t know how lucky they are when they happen upon good people who just want to love them with their whole being, and forgive them time and time again, who put them first, and to stick around in hopes that one day things will change or go back or what they were. It’s sad.

TL;DR

I messaged him thinking he could be chill and casual, maybe finally acknowledge the discard and apologize. He in fact did not. 10/10 do not recommend

Backstory: We were fwb 20 years ago. it lasted… you guessed it.. 6 whole months. He discarded me during sex when I said we might as well call us bf/gf because we were acting it in every other way.

Sadly avoidant attachment wasn’t mainstream knowledge then and we stayed in each others‘ orbit over the next 6 years after that. Not proud of it but I was having fun myself it didn’t seem harmful to me.

Anyway, fast forward 15 years and I find an old hard drive from that era and I got nostalgic (not for him specificallybut that time in my life). So I reach out to a bunch of people I had lost touch with, him being one. I honestly expected the typical casual script of ”Hey long time! What have you been up to?” Instead I was met with a quick response time, an immediate callback to our shared history which I’m pretty sure was intentional, and then interrogated with “Why are you reaching out?“ “Is there something in particular you want to talk about?” “What’s one thing you want to talk about?” I say i had no agenda but I asked him the same question in return - “Is there something in particular you want to say to me?” Honestly, I was thinking he might acknowledge the discard, perhaps apologize. Obviously his answer was no.

Long story short, he engaged in conversation and we talked about work for 5 weeks. His responses had zero personality behind them.. he was very flat and factual. I made a cheeky casual reference to a song he had learned for me on guitar when we were together… suggesting he could play it at an open mic night. He ignored it and kept talking about work.

Then he moved the conversation to music and I asked what he’s been playing on guitar lately and it was like a switch flipped and he opened up about regrets over not playing for more than a decade, how he left it behind because of family (he’s in a 15 yr relationship with 2 kids), that he’s not family-focused, how he’s still figuring it out over 40, how his guitar is just gathering dust, he let it slip, regrets all around, how he dreams of a music room and workshop, and then he said ”next time I’m home with nothing to do I’ll brush the dust off…think I still remember how to play Hands Down.” And then… he left the thread.

I think mentioning the song… was the closest he could get to an apology after 20 years. Pretty sad. He almost went there… and it’s that ”almost” that kills me.

Moral of the story: do not expect accountability. and do not break no contact because tbh that kind of traumatized me lol. I thought we could be chill and talk like two people who have built their separate lives, have families, and just look back at a time when we were together with a laugh..because it was fun, maybe even meaningful. But no.