u/AggressiveWarthog793

Hi. I’m a 21 year old transmasculine Filipino & as I type this, I feel empty. I’ve been feeling empty for the past few years since I have depression. Fluoxetine? Didn’t help. Sertraline? Doesn’t seem to be working. & it doesnt help that I can’t afford testosterone privately & the waiting list is a year. To be fair, a year isnt bad at all but it’s different when I’ve been feeling miserable in my body for years. My extended family is largely Catholic & transphobic. My grandma will probably not love me anymore if she found out, & its something I can’t bear. My parents & sister refuse to use my preferred pronouns despite them all knowing I’m trans. I have horrible high school grades since I didn’t think I’d make it past 18. I was in an online relationship and the guy I was in a relationship with screenrecorded naked me while I was drink on facetime with him. Thinking about how he could still have those videos make me feel ill. I’m 21 now & in my second year of uni. I barely scraped by in first year & I was sexually assaulted. I’m morbidly obese & short. Whenever I wear my binder i still my chest. Ive been self harming since I was 9 years old. I dont know why im saying all of this but despite havibg a partner, a good relationship with my sister & lots of friends, I have never felt so alone. I think there has to be something wrong with me. Maybe I was evil in my past life & the universe is punishing me in this one. I feel zero motivation to live. I feel like theres no point. I’d rather end it all & sleep forever than live for another day. I’m so tired & I hate having to pretend I enjoy living. Since I started uni, I’ve just been smoking weed almost everyday. I just smoke to forget everything & let myself exist. Then I wake up the next day, & pretend I didn’t consider leaving my room & jumping off a building.