u/AggressiveWindow6055

Whenever i’m sent to the hospital or when i don’t show up to school i wonder if people think about me “What happened to them” “Oh my god my life is over!”. Thats how i want people to react. I want people to feel guilty, to feel pain and their heart broken. I want them to feel the way I am whenever I lose something. I want them to feel horrible. I see people hanging out without me- I hope you’re affected when I leave. Remove me? I hope you cry your eyes at when you see my grave. I feel as if nobody cares. So why should i care about being alive. Nobody is affected by my absence. They continue life bc that’s the way it is. I’m too sensitive. A crybaby that always cries for other people. It shouldn’t matter, but it does to me. I wish people were affected by me.

When I was 13 I got admitted into the hospital for a few days. I thought I could trust my doctor with my secret of self mutilation- but she ended up telling my mom because of legal reasons. I was 13 seeing my mom cry over me, her driving back home silently so I could pack my bags. When I was 14 I continued the cycle and it got worse. There would always be a razor behind my phone case, one of my pocket too. I skipped classes and took 20 minute long bathroom breaks to harm myself every single day. i was 14 seeing my arm shake from going too hard on myself, too aggressive, too angry- I gave myself the marks to prove my anger. When I was 15 and in highschool I quit for a while. New school new me. But that wasn’t the case for my panic attacks and anxiety everywhere I went. I skipped classes just to cry my eyes out just to say i’m fine when i’m going to my next class. I was 15 sitting in the administration office for an hour venting about my problems that seemed so little to me, but they still messed with me. Now i’m 16, smoking everyday, going to the bathroom to smoke and clear my anxiety using the same nic pen i’ve had for a few months or one I just borrowed from a friend. I’m now 16 seeing how disappointed my mom is with me, disappointed with how i’m just following in her footsteps of addiction. What else do I do to clear my head from these thoughts. It feels like i’ve done everything.