just feel like I can’t breathe sometimes. I am drowning in all the problems in my life, and I have to fix them first. I have to get everything under control before I can even think about sitting in a therapist's office. How am I supposed to talk about my feelings when my actual life feels like a mess? I need to solve this myself.
And then I go over to his place just to get a break—just to numb out, lay on the couch, and watch TV so I don't have to think for a few hours—and he’s constantly there, wanting something from me.
I know he thinks he’s being supportive, but he doesn't understand that his 'support' feels like pressure. He helps fix one external problem and then expects me to suddenly be happy. But I'm not happy. Fixing a problem doesn't fix how broken I feel inside.
I feel completely disconnected from my body. I don't feel like I deserve sex, I don't deserve pleasure, and the thought of physical intimacy just makes me shut down. But he doesn't get it. He says he understands, but then we'll just be sitting alone and I realize he has an erection, and it makes me so incredibly angry. It feels like a demand. It feels like no matter how much space I try to put between us, his body is still expecting something from mine. It makes me feel gross, and it makes me hate the situation. Talking about ge keeps trying to convince me that it's normal and biological to feel attracted to ur partner
Why does everything have to be about physical touch? Why can't he just let me exist in the same room without trying to initiate something, without wanting me to talk, without needing me to be this 'happy girlfriend' that I'm just not capable of being right now?
I feel like a failure, and his constant need for connection just reminds me of everything I'm entirely incapable of giving him.