I can't have sex because of my trauma
I'm 20 and I've been sa'ed multiple times when I was 11 to about 14 which traumatized me a lot. I tried reaching out for help when I was 15 but social services didn't believe me so I never told anyone about it ever again since it was from a family member and I feel very much ashamed of myself.
I recently started dating and I really really want to be more intimate with my partner and I can tell they want it too but I'm so terrified.
I want to kiss them and touch them but when they kiss me and touch me back I freeze and my heart starts racing (not because I'm aroused but because I'm terrified) and all I can feel are the hands of my abuser and how disgusted and ashamed he made me feel.
At first I made up a few excuses like "we need to sleep" or "wait what time is it? We got stuff to do" and I felt so guilty because I really really like and love my partner.
The other day they explicitly asked me if I wanted to try so I broke down and told them about my trauma (not into detail) and they were extremely supportive and sweet, but I still felt guilty.
I am still so scared, every time I think about it I feel nauseous, I feel so disgusted and ashamed of myself but I really want this relationship to work.
Does anyone have any advices on how to overcome this feeling of disgust and fear? Has anyone ever had similar experiences?