I feel so defeated. My husband and I have been together for 10+ years (married for five) and I feel like I’ve had the same conversation around porn every 6 months since the start. I find it—at the start, unwillingly, now I look for it—, I confront, he apologizes and says he’s so sorry and that he doesn’t want to hurt me etc etc… , says he won’t watch it and it’s no big deal for him to stop, I say fine, and the cycle repeats 6 months later.
I admit, I have contributed to the lack of sex in our relationship at certain periods of time. A medication I am on lowers my libido and I have endometriosis to top it off so sometimes sex is really painful. Our sex life was amazing the first few years but it really dropped off after I continued to find porn over and over again. We were about 20 when I found it the first time so the continued issue has really lowered my self esteem in bed.
I feel like I can’t compare to any of the women in porn but god damn have I tried. I am constantly trying to be hotter, kinkier, sexier, easier, all of the above… but just when I think we are in a great place, it happens again. His search history is like a dark cloud hanging over me.
I found an automatic male masturbator in his closet a couple weeks ago and I didn’t say anything because my issue isn’t with him getting off. I have a vibrator so whatever, I get over it. Then today, I’m putting away laundry and I find a second toy—a pocket pussy—in his closet. Now I’m pissed because obviously any man that has two sex toys is not a man who isn’t watching porn.
Sorry this is all over the place. I just needed to get this out to people who understand what I’m going through.