Hoping we can go through the journey together - feeling very unsure right now
I’m 33 and recently started ketamine therapy as a last resort after what feels like a lifetime of trying to “fix” myself. The diagnosis that has been most consistent across clinicians is C-PTSD. I had a rough childhood with abuse in the home and traumatic incidents starting young, and I’ve been anxious since around age 12.
Externally, I look very high-functioning. I’m married, worked at a highly successful company, did well in school, built a good career, etc. But internally, the last 3 years have been absolute hell. My SI became so unbearable that I eventually had to leave my job.
I’ve done therapy on and off for 20 years: EMDR, DBT, CBT, psychoanalysis — honestly, almost everything. I used to be extremely driven and resilient, but now I feel emotionally exhausted and deeply defeated by the state of the world and my own mind. I can barely focus in work conversations anymore because everything feels so fake and pointless. I know that sounds dramatic, but it genuinely feels like my nervous system has just given up.
I started IM ketamine recently and had my 3rd session yesterday (60mg). All three sessions themselves have actually been wonderful. They’re some of the only moments of relief I’ve felt in years. I gain deep insights during them and leave feeling lighter and calmer.
- Session 1: barely slept afterward but felt somewhat better the next day
- Session 2: felt even better and slept through the night
- Session 3 (highest dose): best experience yet, but today I feel massively depressed
Lately I’ve been having heartbreaking conversations with my husband about whether I can realistically become a mother. We both want children badly, but in my current state I truly do not feel capable of being the type of parent a child deserves. I even told him that if he eventually wanted to leave because of this, I would understand. That conversation destroyed me.
I love children deeply. I also take incredible care of my pets and adore them. But my own childhood trauma has made motherhood feel emotionally impossible right now.
I’m also dreading going back to work Monday because everything feels meaningless. My husband thrives in high-pressure environments and loves his career, but we live in a very expensive area and he doesn’t want to move, so both of us are stuck in demanding jobs to sustain our life here.
My psychiatrist is now adding quetiapine to hopefully calm my nervous system further and get me out of constant fight-or-flight mode. I have 3 more ketamine sessions scheduled over the next few weeks and I’m continuing weekly therapy alongside it.
I think I’m posting because I’m desperate for hope. Has anyone with severe C-PTSD, chronic anxiety, SI, burnout, or existential hopelessness actually come out the other side of this with ketamine? Especially if the relief wasn’t immediate or linear?
Would really appreciate hearing from anyone who relates.