u/Agitated_Cook_3231

Good Evening,

This is my second post tonight b/c I’m scared & reading the suffering & sadness of others has really hit me.

My question, and it’s not sugar coated, so I apologize, but when the Physician gives you the diagnosis, why does an individual not go out & take their own life, rather than face what they know is coming?

It’s a very personal & tasteless question, but I’ve been wrestling with my brain for so many years (and frankly) not really winning. No depression or anxiety medication works for me for any period time, so I underwent many ECT treatments, which made my cognitive abilities even worse.

What it all boils down to is my brain has been running my life for the last 14 years & it’s been sad & exhausting.

What I want is the ability to decide when I’ve had enough & all I want is peace.

Also, the possibility of living into my 90’s, as several of my family members have, and not recognizing my two daughters, my girls that made my life-that made me keep hanging on, well, when I am at the point when I don’t recognize them, then I am already dead.

Hi. I’m 55 yo. I won’t get into my long personal med history (including 23 shock therapy treatments, bilateral, over 18 months). I do have a strong dementia history on my mom’s side. She had 6 sisters & 3 brothers. I do not know how my mom is. Other than my mom, I have one aunt alive who has dementia & is in a home. My five remaining aunts died from dementia as well as one uncle. The other two uncles died from cancer.

I have declining cognitive skills, diagnosed by both my Psychiatrist (of 10 yrs) and a Memory Clinic I’ve been attending for 2 yrs.

I joke (to deal with pressure) that the test President Trump refers to, the one he says everyone else would fail, while I failed it. Dropped 6 points in one year & have fallen below the score of 26, a cut off.

The reason for my post is because I’m wondering if anyone formally diagnosed with dementia ever experienced this. There are things I encounter, accounting info, things I did when I worked for almost 25 yrs & I could do in my sleep at one time. I see these things now, like taxes & I know that I used to be able to do it, and I’m aware that I can’t now & I feel like I’m watching myself disappear. I am very aware of the things that are mentally disappearing from me.

I’ve been repeatedly asking/sharing info with my husband & kids for so long, that I don’t even notice it. And forget about what day of the week it is, let alone the date or month some times. I also can’t tell you what I did yesterday if I haven’t written it down. I tell family (as my joke) that I’d be the worst juror ever b/c we’d basically have to start the trial every day.

Forgetting the days, conversations, that type of thing doesn’t bother me as much b/c it seemed to happen so slowly. But being aware of things that I used to know and aware I’ve lost that ability. It’s like I’m standing outside of myself, watching this different person. I am physically healthy, but I feel as though I am shrinking inside, fading away & I can feel it.

Has anyone encountered this & please tell me how you coped. Thank you in advance for your thoughts & comments & experiences ❤️