Angry at my ex for SA
So I broke up with my ex in January, we met in uni and I adored him, first time, first boyfriend. I really did love him. We only dated for a few months, but to me it felt like everything I wanted, apart from when it didn't.
I found out multiple girls had accused him of rape, I was obviously horrified, but the worst part was I expected it as soon as his ex friend told me he needed to talk. Throughout our relationship he had been assaulting me and I didnt even realise it fully at the time. I would dread going to his place, I was on multiple occasions afraid of him, I would be on tge verge of a panic attack when I had to stay over at his after Christmas. But I thought i was overeacting, I thought he was just a bit pushy when it came to sex (something a previous gf described him as too). It wasnt until I talked about a specific situation to my friend I realised he was actually assaulting me.
I would say "not today" when he asked to do things and he would carry on anyway and continue until I just gave in. I would say I didnt want to do a particular thing and suddenly we were doing it or pushing the boundaries of it. I would tell him I was in pain and he would ignore me.
I hate that i feel I should have done more, I fucking told him! So why do I still feel guilty! Like im making it up, when I know im not! Why do I feel like im in the wrong when I know i would never do the same to anyone else, because i know its awful and wrong! I feel like it wasnt bad enough for me to call rape, when multiple people, including my uni's SVLO's, have told me it is rape. It has infected every aspect of my life, every day I want to scream at people to look at what he did to me, to listen and do something and tell me im valid and just let me rant about what I went through and how im feeling.
Im in agony and no one is willing to hear because its uncomfortable to talk about. I am a complete stranger in my body, ive had multiple episodes of depersonalization where I actually feel like I am a stranger who has been implanted into the body im in. As well as some other awful thoughts and feelings.
To make things worse, I found out my current roomate is a registered sex offender (he hid it) and the ex friend, who told me about my ex's allegations also turned out to be weird. Despite me telling him ex had assaulted me he was still making moves less than five days after I broke up with my ex. He also practically ghosted me when I said I wasnt interested.
To finish off the rant, here are a list of things my ex said, because wtf:
"I never tried to abuse anyone" - wdym "tried"? You either have or you havent
"If my reputation is hurt by this i will name you in my lawsuit" - yes he actually threatened to sue me and about ten other people, and yes he was serious because he was asking people to back him up
"Dont bring more fuel to the fire as it embers" - wtf do you mean!?!? He said this to me after I responded to a message that he sent!
"I knew you were in pain but didnt know that meant to stop" - i dont even need to give context for this one
"Not tonight always referenced specifics" - yes, that i specifically wanted to not do something that happened anyway
"As an autistic person I miss social cues that come naturally to you" - first off, im also autistic. Secondly. The cues he is referring to are me saying not today, and im in pain, which aren't social cues, thats me directly saying my feelings and wants to not do something at that moment.
"If someone hasn't been told something before, how are they to know?" - referring to what sexual assault is in general, except he has been told, because a year prior his friends sat him down and explained consent to him after one of the previous incidents (I only found out about this after we broke up)
His mum chimed in with "i see both sides" like excuse me!?!?! You dont get to see both sides of my sexual assault, honestly I find that more insulting then her just saying screw you, you're a liar.
"You may not mean to hurt me, but knowing I hurt someone I care about does hurt me" - I'm sorry you sexually assaulting ME caused you so much pain.
Okay, rant over, thanks for reading