Does anyone else find it hard to say no to sex?
(This post will talk about sex and the topic of consent)
This is a tough one but honestly i feel really alone on this subject. My boyfriend and I have very different sex drives. I enjoy sex, but only occasionally want it / initiate it. My boyfriend on the other hand initiates it very often with usually every time we see each other 1 on 1 initiating it at least once.
The thing is, sometimes i really don’t feel like it but i can never bring myself to refuse. I often find myself engaging in sexual activity with him just to please him. He’s a great boyfriend and i know he would never pressure me like this but the thought of turning him down makes me sick. I don’t want him to realise we aren’t very compatible sexually because of our differing sex drives because to me that means giving him a reason to leave. I love my boyfriend so dearly i would do anything in my power to make sure that i can keep him as long as i can and him leaving seems absolutely detrimental to me. I know logically this is because of my BPD but any sort of ‘wise mind’ thinking and taking the middle path skills for some reason wont make me change my mind on this and im now finished DBT so i don’t have any professional to talk to about this.
However, last night we were both incredibly drunk and i blacked out practically the entire night. However, i very clearly remember sort of sobering up and being face down in the pillow, having sex with him, unable to breathe and my head slamming against my bedside table. I was so incredibly scared but i said NOTHING because in that moment all i wanted was for him to get the most out of that experience so id be able to please him in that regard. When we stopped i broke down crying and he was incredibly caring but i didn’t say anything to him out of fear that he would feel guilty for putting me in that situation. Today i just feel so uneasy and shameful and i don’t know how to stop it.
I feel really alone in this situation, i just wanted to know if anyone has the same sort of issue with their favourite person and how they got around it. Because talking to him about this at the moment in my head feels detrimental to our relationship and i would do anything to make sure he stays.