When does things get better?
Not sure if this gets under the mental health or emotional advice tag, but I’ll talk anyway.
I am 22M
For about my entire life I haven’t been social, never into relationships, not even close with my family.
On the inside I feel very numb, I know this is called depression, but I really am looking forward. I really wanna live I do have dreams, I have hobbies, I go to the gym, I work.
But yet I am always afraid of the unknown. Probably the best way to describe it.
This affects me when I want to do anything I consider serious, not on the simple stuff that doesn’t do anything if I fail in.
For example I am always afraid to meet and talk to people, I do have friends that I get along with, but somehow only those who I rarely meet and can only talk to online are the one I can talk to about something deep.
Not really this deep tho lol. Probably afraid of being judged. Tho I always am afraid of my own judgement above all, no matter the validation I get from others I always refuse to take it or believe it, “they just being nice”.
So I am always living in a torture where I am living more in my head than in real life. I am afraid of meeting people because I am afraid of messing up and having this embarrassing moment added to the existing long list of embarrassing memories I have of myself.
Can’t even recall one good thing about myself lol. I only know my bad sides, my flaws. Why should others stay away from me.
I did for a brief period of time like someone, I did experience the feeling of having someone.
But my stupid side got over me really quickly and I got distant. Just because I thought “I am not worthy” of being with her, or that “I don’t want her to hate me if she learned i liked her”.
Even though I believe she cared, we were friends and she was genuinely nice.
Anyway I did get over the feeling of liking her, but not over anything else.
Now I am more paralyzed by the idea, and my family keeps telling me “when is your turn to get married”, and I always deflect the question.
Now they want me to attend a cousin’s wedding that idk and they dk me, saying I should go and meet people there and I’m just so scared and I don’t want to go. I just don’t.
This is very lame and stupid and embarrassing, but I can write it down because I can stay anonymous here.
I will probably end up staying at home again, but I want to get over this.
And my job being fully remote doesn’t help me in the slightest lol.