Haunted by my past life slipping through my fingers
I’m from the UK but have spent the past 3 years of my life living in California as an international student. I moved back home last December.
The time I spent in California was some of the most beautiful, intense, painful, emotional, incredible times I have ever experienced. When I first moved there I was just happy, the sort of happy one could only dream of. I used to ride a bike around for hours and get lost, I used to run through suburbs and get home with a huge grin on my face.
I learned how much I could love out there too. Even though when I moved there I was 23, I met a girl who I would definitely consider my first love, a person I would’ve moved heaven and earth for. She was a brief part of my time out there in the beginning, things ended but she lingered in my head. After she left that happiness began fading (as it usually does when something like that ends) but my joy came back when i made some incredible friends from my university.
About a year and a half in I was living with friends and had a vast social network, for the first time in my life, I felt like I was living. The idea of this girl still lingered however, so I started dating to try and remedy this feeling. My focus shifted slowly from my friends to going on dates all the time. I would date and date and date, hoping one day something would stick, it eventually would. I got a girlfriend towards the end of my time there, who I am still with today.
Due to me not focusing on my social network and friends as much as I had before, so many connections dwindled and faded. The friends I was living with had a massive falling out and we all had to go our separate ways, I loved them more than anything but the fallout was so bad communication definitely wasn’t being kept after.
I was quickly approaching the end of my studies in America and I had to make a choice. Go back to England and go for my next chapter in life in a more secure environment or stay in a place where I had gained everything I ever wanted while also losing it too. As I mentioned previously I ended up moving back to the UK to continue studying and will be moving to London in September.
It’s been 5 months now and the people and memories keep me up at night. I’m haunted by those that I have lost and the beautiful memories we shared. It feels like I got so close to the sort of idealistic version of my life that I always wanted and it slipped through my fingers. I think of the late car rides, the concerts, the 3am beach trips, the kickbacks, the laughs, the cries, the beauty that existed in each moment. It’s hard to put into words just how incredible life can be in California when you have amazing people by your side, it really is paradise.
I don’t have anyone back home and my relationship is now long distance. I am not really in contact with a single person I met out there, we might follow each other on social media but there’s no communication. My girlfriend has been there and the fact she’s been willing to adjust to long distance has saved me from an even deeper black hole.
I think the thing I’m most scared of is the fact I might be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I’m fully aware that a crazy amount of time hasn’t passed yet for me to be able to form a new life for myself but I guess I’m just scared that there will always be this ghost tapping me on the shoulder, reminding me of what once was.