u/Agitated_Traffic8675

I’ve been ruminating about an incident that happened with a former girlfriend of mine. For context, we’re both women. We had both consumed THC gummies and gotten fairly high during this. We were outdoors at night, in a hidden area between trees. I began to feel a bit triggered— I’ve been sexually assaulted on psychedelics in the past, so when substances begin to feel vaguely “psychedelic” to me I can become stressed. I expressed this to her, I was facing away and had distanced myself because I needed space. She insisted I turn around and be close to her. I wasn’t comfortable with this but I did so assuming she was just trying to help. She said she wanted to be close to me and asked that I sit on her, which I did. Then she began grabbing my breasts. I felt uncomfortable and pulled away, again trying to put myself at a distance. She asked what was wrong and I said that I did want to be close to her but that being touched was triggering, and not to take it personally. I felt more and more pressure to give in to her desire for closeness from this point on, so I eventually let her begin kissing and touching me. Yet again I began to feel triggered and asked for it to stop. She would stop briefly before initiating and resuming again, saying she just wanted to make me feel good. This kept happening, until I felt like I had to give in, so I engaged with her sexually for a bit. But it was really stressful for me, as I kept getting more and more triggered until I eventually broke down, had a full on flashback and was sobbing. She pulled away during this and offered some distant reassurance but seemed really detached from everything I was going through. During the event, she kept asking to eat me out, I said that I didn’t want it repeatedly, that I couldn’t, but she insisted over and over, so eventually I let her. I was going in and out of flashbacks during everything and under a lot of duress, I tried many times to say I didn’t feel in a right state of mind, and it was clearly expressed by my crying, but I felt after a point that saying to stop or expressing discomfort was futile, because she would just resume shortly after or insist. I did react to and partake in what happened but it was not what I wanted. I’m just having a hard time making sense of what happened, especially since she was high as well. It was very violating and upsetting, I even got some scratches on my body from being pushed against trees during it. But I don’t know if it can be considered assault. This person turned out to be generally abusive to me, in pretty severe ways, and later on they would facilitate a man attacking me and lie about it to authorities. They also shared my nudes with a man without my consent. But it’s still hard to believe they would actually do something like this, and I don’t know how to process everything, thank you for reading.