Was it abuse? Or am I just creating a victim narrative?
Sorry for the long post!
TL;DR: My boyfriend has CPTSD and throughout our 3.5-year relationship, I slowly took on the role of emotionally managing everything while ignoring my own boundaries. He’s now finally taking responsibility and seeking help, but I feel emotionally burnt out, disconnected, stressed around him, and unsure if I even trust or know him anymore. He is genuinely a good person and has helped me a lot too, which makes this even more confusing. I don’t know if this dynamic is codependency, trauma responses, emotional neglect, or all of the above, and I’d really appreciate perspective.
Hi everyone. I recently came across the term “codependent” and started reading Codependent No More. I’m not sure if I qualify as codependent, or if what’s happened in my relationship is even considered abuse.
I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for 3.5 years. He has CPTSD, though he only realized it recently. Throughout our relationship, I noticed patterns that confused me deeply. He struggles with vulnerability and avoids discomfort. When triggered, he withdraws, dissociates, or leaves, then later acts like nothing happened. When I tried addressing it, he either felt attacked or said it would pass. Over time, I became hyperaware of his triggers and never knew what would set him off.
I want to be clear that he is genuinely a good person. We’ve never yelled at each other, thrown things, or been aggressive in any way. I know he loves me deeply, and he has helped me tremendously in many ways too. That’s part of why this is so confusing and painful.
I threw myself into helping him: trying to create safety, encouraging therapy, researching, and supporting him emotionally. I thought I was holding him accountable because I expressed hurt and anger, but I never actually let him face consequences. I constantly crossed my own boundaries and stayed emotionally and physically available no matter how much it hurt. I spent time with him even when I didn’t want to because I couldn’t say no. At the time, I worried saying no or pulling back would be toxic, but now I think I was abandoning myself.
We developed a pattern: I’d try to connect through talking, walks, or daily activities, and he’d withdraw when triggered. I’d ask what was wrong, he’d avoid it, I’d explain the impact, and he’d respond defensively (“just tell me what to say or do”). I’d explain I needed actual change, then eventually he’d comfort me and things would stabilize temporarily.
Meanwhile, I spent huge amounts of energy trying to understand what was happening—questioning myself, researching, and talking to friends. He gets triggered by negative emotions, so expressing hurt about the distance, the rejection, or constantly initiating repair often sent him into a flashback. I’ve gradually taken on a parental role: being overly careful, tolerating hurt, and teaching emotional skills.
Lately, I’ve also started feeling like the relationship drains my emotional resources. He doesn’t really have anyone close besides me, and he’s described himself as having learned helplessness. Because of that, I often feel like I carry the emotional weight of the relationship. There’s very little positive emotional contribution coming back consistently, because so much energy goes toward managing triggers, repairing disconnects, or helping him cope. I think over time I’ve become emotionally depleted.
I feel exhausted, and the last three withdrawals (he is still learning not to) hurt more than ever. I also don’t feel he fully understands the depth of my pain, which I need in order to continue.
Six months ago, I shared CPTSD resources with him. He felt seen for the first time and started learning about it, though he initially resisted therapy. He’s now trying to get help, but wait times are long. As he’s started taking more responsibility, I’ve unexpectedly become very sad and angry. I’m sad I spent so long confused and blaming myself. I’m angry he entered a relationship while emotionally unavailable. I’m hurt that I had to identify and explain the problem over and over, while he avoided discomfort like apologizing, opening up, or reflecting.
Now that he understands his CPTSD more, he’s become more honest, but it’s also been devastating. He’s admitted to habits that push people away, including me. He rarely shares about himself because he assumes people aren’t interested, even though I’ve always tried to engage and care.
The hard part is that he really is trying now, and doing well, but I can’t receive it anymore. My body feels stressed around him all the time. I feel emotionally burnt out, numb, and disconnected. I don’t trust him because I know how he can become when triggered, and I’m starting to question whether I even know him.
I don’t know how to move forward. Mostly, I feel like I need space—my own space where I can finally relax. But I feel guilty asking him to move out because money is a huge trigger for him and it would be very uncomfortable. I’ve tried bringing it up, but I can’t follow through. Part of me also wonders if it’s pointless if we end up together anyway.
I don’t really know what I’m asking. I’d just really appreciate outside perspective.