Is there any future for me?
I was recently diagnosed with autism. I have been to therapy twice in my life and in this second attemps i got the diagnosis. Both times I started doing therapy cause I felt extremely lonely and depressed. I have heard autistic people talk about how they like being alone, im not like that at all, I love talking to strangers, I love getting to know people, it is very rare for me to dislike someone or dislike a social interaction. Of course there is moments when I feel overstimulated and I just want to be in my home, but I love going out and it is very easy for me to love others. I suppose that I am more extrovert and I have a bigger need for connection than other people. Thats why I have been feeling so bad for so long. When I was a kid i used to talk to everybody, but I spent high school feeling lonely, sitting alone, looking to others with a deep desire to know them, liking their personalitys and wishing to know them better. Now I am in university and it is almost the same situation, I would love to know everyone, but I only talk when others approach me. Not only it is confusing for me to approach others but I have an extreme fear of making others uncomfortable by talking to them, as if I can only talk to others when I have their permission to talk or their permission to even exist.
The difference is that in high school I used to hate myself after every interaction and I started to feel extremely uncomfortable talking to others. Now sometimes I dont feel like myself in some interactions but at least I enjoy them and I feel happier than ever when I have a succesful interaction. I think that growing up in a home where I used go feel ignored and silenced by my parents didnt help, and I started feeling different than others, not a part of the family and thinking “if my mother seems to dislike me, then probably no one would like to be around me”. The good part is that I have a better self steem and I feel comfortable when talking to others even if i cant approach people. But I still feel lonely, I still regret everyday not talking to others
Has anybody else been in a similar situation? What can I do to get better?
Im sorry if my english is bad, this is not my first language haha.