Advice needed: coping after confusing semi-breakup
My boyfriend and I dated 4 years. We moved in together after 2. We had the best times. Road trips and spending so much time together. Similar hobbies but also differences we should share with each other. He gave me a promise ring after 2 years because we were still too young to get married, but we knew we had found our person.
Then 6 weeks ago things changed. We had been going through a rough patch. Our new apartment was tiny and he’d been struggling with career, his mom, and money struggles. I was in my last semester of college. He grew very depressed, and our connection was there but dampened.
He has a female coworker who shares a niche hobby with him (they were always just friend. I even hung out with them with no problem. Also, he never was with her alone before this.) She had a boyfriend for 10 years but was beginning to dislike him (she had valid reasons). I guess my boyfriend and her, their friendship grew off of shared unhappiness in life (career future mostly). I guess he also told her he was beginning to become unhappy with me.
I read his texts (sorry) and she was telling him in order to be happy, he was to do the hard things (break up with me). And life could be what they want (end up together). It broke me.
My boyfriend and I still live together but I went home for a while so we could have space. I came back a week ago and he was so affectionate after so many weeks of being cold to me before I left. He even has sex with me which was weird because it had been ages of coldness. He says it wasn’t a mistake. I started crying afterwards and he held me for a while. I thought it meant I had won, but I guess not. I thought he’d totally freak out about having done it, I was so shocked he still hasn’t regretted it.
But he still can’t keep himself away from his (now ew coworker, she got fired two months ago). It completely breaks me. He says essentially he cannot choose between us two because it involves one person getting hurt, and he doesn’t want to hurt someone. I understand he’s in a lot of confusion but that’s entirely his fault.
I’m so distraught. We had such a good relationship. I feel like he barely fought it when things got hard. And he just ran to his coworker. He leaves me behind me. He can’t commit with staying or leaving me. I know: I SHOULD LEAVE. But it’s so hard. But he’s being so cruel.
3.5 years together means nothing I guess. He knows, he TOLD ME, a future with his coworker isn’t something that feels right. Yet he keeps going to her and neglecting me. Aka I got locked out and he said he couldn’t drive back to the apartment at night to let me in because he was with her (and she lives 45 minutes away). Later he apologized and said he regretted it. Whatever Lol.
It’s just totally not the man I remember. He is changed. And he has taken 6 weeks to come up with no decision. He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone, but he still goes to her and is doing god knows what with her. So yes, obviously it’s not about being free and single.
I know I should leave him. I am however mostly looking for advice regarding feeling so sad. This is the hardest thing and I still love him. I really thought he was my future. How to stop loving him so hard? I want him back so so much, but he’s NOT the same man. Any advice please, I am so depressed. Is there absolutely anything I can do?!?!
He has told me, like I said, he can’t choose because he’s scared. He feels very depressed (I believe him considering before this he had A LOT going on in his life). He feels like he has no room to be himself and is always living for others. He feels like he has lost his identity.
Btw, we did “breakup” about a month ago. Yet he stills hugs me and we hang out once I got back a week ago. And we had sex. It’s so freaking confusing. He hasn’t told me we’re done forever, just that he has no idea what he wants forever. He told me it doesn’t feel right for him to be with another person, but he anyways goes to her.