I feel like a failure
I don’t know what tags to give because I don’t know what this post is. It’s a rant but I also want advice and suggestions and help and people to share their personal experiences. I had a pregnancy loss in 2024, where 5 months into the pregnancy, my water broke and I went into labour. I was diagnosed with PPROM and I delivered my baby boy on October 16th 2024. I buried him the next day. It took more than a year for me to heal and I’m still healing. January of this year, we decided to start trying again. I remember while wanting to get pregnant, also dreading getting pregnant because what if I’ll end up on complete bedrest and can’t move and can’t leave the house and can’t go for movies or try new restaurants. If I could go back in time and smack myself I would. My doctor had my husband do a sperm analysis which we did in this independent lab near my house. Motility was 80% and Morphology was 97%. Amazing. No issues there (or so we thought). My doctor had me on Letrozole and frequently monitored ovulation through Follicular metry scans. January came. January went. I wasn’t pregnant. February was the same. Letrozole+Follicular metry scans+Dydrogesterone post ovulation. My doctor also gave me an HCG injection to prompt ovulation. Everything was so perfectly timed. February came. February went. I wasn’t pregnant. I had a detailed scan done which showed I had only 3-4 dominant follicles in each ovary and was diagnosed with low ovarian reserve. My doctor then suggested I do an HSG in March and she wanted my husband to redo his semen analysis but in the hospital itself. The HSG which was so unbelievably painful cleared a small block I had. My husband’s semen analysis gave us such a shock. His motility was 60% and his morphology was 3%. Since the values were so off, we redid the semen analysis in another hospital. The results were the same. He is very healthy, he runs every alternate day, strength-trains every other day, absolutely no junk/processed food. We both quit alcohol and smoking in 2024 before we started trying. There is nothing he can physically do to improve his sperm count or shape. My doctor told us to take a break for two cycles and then come back to do IUI. We took a break the first cycle after the HSG, but the second cycle, we thought we could try naturally one last time. I had heard so much about the post HSG Boom. I just did a Beta HCG test today. The result was <0.1. My ovulation happened somewhere between 6-9 May. I know that today’s test is early and I’ll be repeating it again in 4 days but I am sure that will be negative too. I feel so inadequate. Like a failure. So lost. So helpless and also pissed with myself for being so helpless. Today is just particularly depressing. I told myself I will not get hyped up for the test result today and if it’s negative it’s okay because there’s still time. But that was before I got the actual result. I have not been able to get off the couch since I got the result. I’m unable to move. I’m unable to do anything. I feel so stuck. So hopeless.