How to discipline a 9-year-old boy?
Our home has been in complete chaos lately because of our 9-year-old boy. I saw another mom sharing her experience dealing with a difficult son, so I figured I’d ask everyone here for advice. We are also currently scheduling a behavioral evaluation with a pediatrician and looking for a therapist.
It feels like he’s always had a bad temper since he was little, but it’s gotten increasingly worse lately. He flies into a rage over the tiniest things. When we tell him to go to his room to calm down, he smashes and throws things. If I go in to sit with him, he physically pushes and kicks me. As a mom, I feel like a massive failure and am deeply hurt.
Every time he finally calms down, he apologizes. However, he has stated multiple times that he doesn't want to stay in this house anymore and feels that being here is pointless. We asked his teachers, and everything is perfectly normal at school—he is friendly with classmates and doesn't throw tantrums. When I ask him why he acts like this at home, he just says he does it on purpose.
He has a younger brother who absolutely adores him and wants to play with him every day. But my older son constantly says he "hates" his brother. If the little brother even touches his stuff, he screams and yells, scaring the younger one to tears. Because of this, we try to physically separate them as much as possible to keep them apart.
Initially, his dad tried to step in, hoping to use his authority to intimidate him into behaving, but sometimes my husband couldn't control his own temper and wanted to get physical. When that happened, my son would provoke his dad even more, shouting things like, "Hit me! Go ahead and beat me to death!" His dad is now completely heartbroken and has completely washed his hands of the situation. Privately, he’s told me multiple times that he wants to give up on the child and put him up for adoption. I know he’s just speaking out of anger, but right now, it’s entirely on me to manage him, and I simply can't. He isn't afraid of me at all. When he’s angry, he even points his finger right in my face.
I’ve established a few strict bottom lines with him:
- It’s okay to be angry, but you cannot destroy things.
- It’s okay to be angry, but you cannot hurt your family—no physical violence.
After every outburst, he gets punished—taking away screen time, forbidding him from playing outside, or taking away snacks. But it has absolutely no effect. The next time he loses his temper, he repeats the exact same behavior and is completely unable to calm down, raging for up to two hours until he simply exhausts himself...
I am truly desperate. Every day when he comes home from school, my whole body tenses up. To minimize his time at home, I’ve packed his schedule with after-school activities, but even just being home for an hour or two at night still inevitably leads to conflict... I’ve already been diagnosed with anxiety over this and am currently seeing a therapist myself...
So, for a boy acting like this, what on earth should I do?