u/AlGi9

I just love being alone so much. I had my daughter when I was young, and went through a very abusive relationship during the first few years of mother hood. Now my kid is 7, I have moved and started over. But I find that I have a hard time trusting people and making friends, let alone dating at all. I just truly have so little time to myself and so many hobbies I enjoy that I can’t justify spending any of my precious time on other people. I completely support us myself and I don’t live near family. I don’t have strong relationships with my family. But I am super happy. I’ve done a lot of work on my mental space and my relationship with my kid is awesome. We have a dog and we travel together and do so much fun stuff. The only time I’m not happy is when I try to go hang out with people (usually the moms of my kid’s friends). I have a hard time enjoying small talk and trying to make friends. I think a part of it is that I have a really abnormal life history and I’ve noticed that when I’m getting to know people it becomes awkward if I’m honest about my life. So I try to keep things surface level but that also means I don’t ever develop any real friendships.
If I’m psychoanalyzing myself I think I’d say that staying by myself and not opening up to people is the safer option, although it closes me off to potentially great friendships and relationships.
A lot of times I think to myself that I’ll start putting more of an effort into making friends and cultivating relationships once my daughter is older and less dependent on me. It really is so hard to make time for friends when you literally have no days off.
But there’s a small part of me that worries I am digging myself into a hole of seclusion that will be more and more difficult to climb out of.
Ive learned to love being alone, but I don’t want to be alone forever.