My Dad and Brother have shattered my reality.
5 years ago, my dad was arrested as a serial rapist and is serving 20. Raped a teenager, too.
I tried to love my dad and hate the person but I keep learning more and more fucked up shit about him.
He'd bring adult men (shady fuckers too) to our house while there were 5 born females living there. 4 were minors.
He watched horrible vile porn hurting women.
I stopped loving him a long while ago and think he's just bad like his own dad, who raped his own kids. I know my dad was horribly abused, but that will never justify the violence he inflicted on those poor women.
I think he may have assaulted some of my siblings. I don't think we will ever know.
One of my sisters told me she had been taken into the bathroom by another sister to kiss, and she's strongly repressed the memory if anything more happened. She used to piss randomly around the house in her clothes.
I've read that sometimes siblings do that, but with our family history....I have doubts. The sister who took her into the bathroom has always been idk how to describe it- almost childlike?
She's always been kinda stunted. Honestly I've always felt stunted as well, sometimes I feel really fucking young and it scares me.
Two weeks ago, the FBI raided our house for internet CP crimes. My brother is charged with possession/distribution of CP.
It made me sick for days, but I thought, "OK, he's probably been assaulted as a kid. It's trauma just manifesting like this. Maybe he just needs help. "
Then I read the affidavit.
He confessed in the affidavit to having an addiction to CP. To search for it and use it for gratification. The deleting it.
He unsolicited started talking with an FBI agent. When asked about age preference, my brother said, "Young." He then unsolicited sent a video of the assault of a young male.
My brother said he didn't hurt anyone, but I see it differently.
To share this shit- fuck even watching it, is hurting these kids. To share and get off on their abuse makes me uncontrollably angry. Their pain just being perpetuated across the internet makes me disgusted and by my brother?!
Idk Maybe I just couldn't take losing another family member or just trying to cope with it being my brother, but I don't know. He's always wanted kids? He loves kids?I don't know what's happening and how to feel and what to do. I feel ashamed and dirty, stupid and ignorant, and just a host of crappy feelings.
I think he might off himself if we bring him home. Im afraid if we don't, he still might. He's always been suicidal off and on with BPD and just a mix of mental issues.
I was trying to bring him home during the pretrial shit but now i don't want anything to do with this and him. I have to tell my mom he can't stay with me and my sisters and I'm afraid it's going to break her heart. It's harder for her. It's one of her kids. She only never killed herself for her kids. But I can't do it, mom. I'm so sorry.