The courage to quit
I'm on something like quit 16 at this point. Last June I got subs and made it to day 5 before I folded and started taking 7oh again. Since then ive used subs every quit attempt. Day 2 or 3 is usually my relapse spot. Work gets demanding, laundry is piling up, and having 0 dopamine is just so so difficult. I've been an addict for 20 years and at this point I don't think I have much of a dopamine system left and what's there wakes up very slowly. I know it gets brighter around day 4 or 5 specially on subs but God that first day or 2 is so brutal. Laying in bed because doing anything else feels like climbing a mountain but unable to sleep because your whole body feels uncomfortable and shitty. At 1000mg a day subs just don't do much day 1 and I'm honestly terrified of feeling it. I've been gearing up for another quit attempt for weeks and every Friday i freak out and scramble to get $$ any way possible to put off the quit.
This can't keep going like this. I'm miserable as hell but I've gotten so fuckin scared of feeling the way I do on day 1 and 2. I don't really know what to do anymore. I wish to God I could do rehab but it's not financially feasible. I've considered a detox but i think there's only 1 in my city and past time they wanted a grand up front. I don't even really know why I'm posting this. It's Saturday and I told myself I was gonna induce this morning. My brain has me convinced day 1 and 2 are worse than any consequences I may face for the bullshit I pull to be able to sustain this habit. Has anyone else found themselves in a similar spot? I'm lost and can't see a way out.