(cw// self-harm, transphobic family) Suffering as a Black Transfem and I Don’t Know What to Do
[ Terrified of being caught, so I’m using a burner account. My apologies. ]
Hi. I am a 21yr black transfem in Chicago who has been repeatedly shoved back in the closet by my transphobic family. I am at a crossroads in my life where I either attempt to escape and go through homelessness, or >!suicide!<.
Previously, I attempted to run away to New York because I was too scared to tell my family about me wanting to be a girl. Past traumatic experiences had me certain that they would not be very accepting of me at all. What they do know is that I am a people pleaser, and unfortunately I am easy to manipulate to say exactly what they want to hear.
It’s not like I hate them all either. I was worried sick after having realized I would have to separate myself from them if I wanted to be happy. I don’t want my mother going crazy at the thought of losing me. I don’t want my siblings being worried sick about me. Even still, I’m petrified of the thought of leaving them simply because of how they would react.
They caught me in the act of escaping after having found my note detailing why I was leaving. They didn’t take any of my criticisms or concerns about them being overbearing or disrespectful to me to heart. And on the next day, they read extensively through my discord profile and were so incredibly angry about the fact I “betrayed” them.
They took everything which brought me happiness. Took my clothes, shamed my hobbies, and my room has been relocated to a small guest room right beside my parents bedroom so they can keep a close eye on everything I do. The only reprieve I get nowadays is when I hide in the bathroom.
I have been cut off from the outside world ever since. Only being able to go out with their permission.
I have to ask permission to make friends with people, because they don’t trust that I will match with the “right” people. Many of my irl friends were queer and I felt so safe confiding in them in times like these. I have lost contact with all of them as of now thanks to my family.
I’m terrified to draw more, because I’m convinced they will find a way to take that away from me. I’m terrified to listen to music because I’m sure they’ll find a way to hate that too. I’m terrified to play anything other than the same 3 games parents like to watch me play, because they have zero problem taking away and throwing out what they don’t like. I am no longer able to enjoy, without their permission.
The worst part of all of this is the fact that, in order to survive under a roof like this, I now have to repeat the same transphobic rhetoric they’ve been shoving down my throat as they “fix” me. I have to manually cloud my thoughts with tasks and errands that need doing because the thought of not being able to be a girl is literally killing me from the inside out.
The only crux that has me tied down to here besides money, is the fact that I’m a senior going into my last year of college. It’s an incredibly important milestone for me to complete it, because I’ll have tangible evidence that I stuck to something and it worked out. But I don’t know if I will survive these next couple days, let alone these months, let alone a whole damn year.
I’ve been placed in a psych ward as a scare tactic by my parents. I can’t even choose my therapist because I’m not trusted to make the right decision. And for the handful of times I was at a therapist, I was terrified to talk about my problems or my family at all. It was like they talked to the therapist beforehand, and now all that therapist could say was how great my family is, like they were being watched. It was terrifying, and it only made me feel more and more and more alone.
Is there a chance for someone like me? I’m genuinely asking here because I don’t know the answer. Is it okay to be black and a trans woman? Will I survive if I do run away? Or should I just give up because I don’t deserve a happy life like this?
I’m terrified of running away and facing homelessness, but I literally cannot see a future anymore. In the past, it was a little cloudy when I envisioned where I could be, but I was always looking forward to it, even when the new administration stepped in in 2024. But now, it’s completely dark. I’ve been relegated to a pet. Something that nods and agrees and smiles when prompted. Something that doesn’t deserve the right to choose for herself.
I want to complete school and have a better chance at obtaining a decent paying job.
I want to live in the first place more.
But I don’t know if I’ll ever see that dream.
I’m sorry, this was a lot. My apologies if something like this isn’t allowed here.