How to go about after adopting a child who's parents passed away but grandparents are still alive?
This is not my story, but my friends who gave me the go ahead to post. She also asked what main questions to ask and what insight can be given to her. She emailed me on what to include and what she is going through so it will be in her point of view. Names and some other things will be changed for privacy.
Hello, I (33f) and my husband (36M) have a 4 year old son (Jack) and now adopted soon to be 2 year old daughter (Sam). We are Sam's god parents, her parents passed away about half a year ago in a car accident. Some background on her parents (Sasha and Dan) and myself.
I was best friends with Sasha since high school and our parents became close as well. We went to the same college and even lived together at one point. When I met my husband he moved to my state and after dating for some time I moved into his house he had just purchased. We decided to have a house warming party and his best friend (Dan) flew in from out of town to visit. Sasha was over helping to set things up when her and Dan met and immediately had chemistry. Soon after meeting the exchanged numbers, started long distance dating, Dan moved to CA and next thing they are married and have a child together.
Shortly after they lost their lives, Sam's grandparents on both sides could not take her in. Dan's parents are older his mom is just got over chemo and his dad often forgets things. His brother is single and lives in a studio in the city and cannot take in a child right now. Sasha's mom is her brothers full time caregiver since he has cerebral palsy and other issues. So we were contacted as the godparents to take in Sam which we immediately said yes. After months of court visits, going through classes and also grieving ourselves we have finally adopted Sam. Her grandparents agreed that we would be the best options.
We stay connected with her grandparents with face-time calls and phone calls once a week. Lately Sam has been calling me mama and my husband dada probably because she hears my son calling us that. Her and Jack get along perfectly and are always together. She is always excited to get him from preschool and he's taken on a big brother role. We told her grandparents about her calling us mama and dada and they were fine with it. We have pictures of Sasha and Dan throughout the house and in her room. We do try to tell her "look it's your mama and dada" and point to the pics, but I don't know how much she actually understands.
This year we plan to see Dan's parents for Thanksgiving and have my parents meet us at Sasha's mom and brother for Christmas (they live a 2 hour drive from us). Next year however I don't think we will be able to see Dan's parents, since we are refinancing our home and will be putting Sam in full time daycare while I go back to work full time. We have also been saving up for year to take Jack to Disney World for his 5th birthday in Feb 2027. We are rearranging our flight seats so to include Sam. The trip will be about a week long. We have told both sets of grandparents, Dan's parents want us to meet them at one of the connecting airports and have Sam's grandfather pick her up and have her stay with them that week. I am not comfortable with this because we want to give Sam the same vacations and treatment as Jack and are already changing the flight seats. I am trying to figure out how to tell them that without hurting their feelings.
My main questions are for those who have been adopted, what can we do to make sure that Sam knows she is adopted, but that she is also apart of our family. I have read so many stories of adopted kids feeling left out and I do not want this to happen to her. We try to keep her grandparents in her life, but we also have my family too and money right now is tight with traveling the disney trip is the only flying trip we can afford for 2027 and neither of the grandparents travel, Sasha's brother doesn't do well with long drives so her mom can't really come to us. It has been us coming to both sets of grandparents which has taken up all our vacation time and been costly. Is there anything else we can do to explain this to them? I do want Sam to know who her parents are to also let her know they we are her family too and will always be there for her. Is it okay that she has been calling us mom and dad?
I wish there was more time in our day for therapy, we already go once a week in person and once online but my husbands work schedule is a lot since we are trying to save up and add Sam in a college fund like Jack has. We want her to always feel included.
Please, no judgement, we know that 2027 will be hard to see grandparents, but we are hoping to have more time after we get our savings back up. This all has been a very chaotic and hard time for us and we want to do what is right for Sam.