r/Adoption

My spouse and I are looking into family planning options and are interested in hearing the lived experiences of children of surrogacy and adopted children to better understand what we might he putting a child through. Any advice on where to connect w such individuals willing to share?

We are completing an open adoption of a newborn, and will continue contact, including in-person visits, with the birth mother. The adoption was due to the birth mother being too young and not in a stable circumstance to raise a child at this time, but she is a lovely young woman who I’m sure will go on to accomplish wonderful things, in part because she chose to adopt her child and grant herself the space to grow.

From the perspective of the adoptive parents, bio parents or adopted child, how best can we ensure our child grows up knowing that they were so loved by both their birth and adoptive parents that this adoption occurred? We don’t want to inadvertently color their view of their birth mother or their own adoption into something negative, so what are some tips or methods to make sure their origin is not a source of insecurity, fear or confusion?

So like most adopted kids threw out my life I always wondered who my birth parents were and my siblings. For years I’ve grappled with the idea of trying to find out who they are, what they did, what they looked like ect.

Unfortunately it was a closed record adoption and the birth mother asked for her name to be kept from my mom and me and they didn’t want contact with me. I have my adoption paperwork but any name is redacted and isn’t on any of the paperwork

All I really know is my birth mother was 28, the birthdad was 44 I had two sisters who were 35 and 43 and a brother who was 32. I know the dad got divorced before I was born and at the time had no knowledge she was pregnant ( got bs k together afterwards) and the mom gave me up because she knew she couldn’t give me a good life and wanted me to know she loved me and always will and asked for a picture of me a few years later in adoption follow up meetings.

So I only really have 3 ways to find out

1. is I can ask my my aunt who’s my moms sister- she was the lady who delivered me but I’m not sure I’m comfortable having that discussion with her

2. I know the the birth dad played d1 football ( I know school he attended) knowing his age I can roughly have an idea about when he played for them. Maybe reach out to school and see if they would send me a team photo from those years and roster and use process of elimination. Ie I’m white so eliminate anyone who’s not. I know he wasn’t a star so probably not a starting qb or wr ect, I know his height ect… maybe from a photo I can see someone with similar looks?

3. ancestry. Com. This would probably be the easiest but I don’t know how accurate these things are. Anyone have good experience with this or are options 1 and 2 more full proof?

Hey everyone, I am a male in my 30s and recently reached out to my biological father to begin what may be/what I would like to be a lasting relationship.

My dad (the man I grew up with as my father) adopted me at 4 years old. My bio father has been known the entire time but was not very present when I was little - I have a few memories of this period and some pics with him when I was a baby/toddler but according to my mom’s side he just wasn’t around much. he has said that he loves me very much and letting me go was very difficult.

He was kept aware of my activities and development over the years as part of the court agreement in my adoption but we had no direct contact until I was 18. Since then we have had sporadic communication but he has been very available the times I have reached out.

We have had each other’s info for some time and have communicated off and on over the years. I stopped talking to him completely 6 years ago sort of by accident and laziness but he didn’t reach back out so I essentially said fuck him and didn’t pursue anything. I feel the onerous was on him to reach out more, but that’s not the point of this post.

So here we are, lots of therapy later, and I’m trying to start fresh. He’s a cool dude, has 3 daughters, and well…we have a lot in common even with the separation for 30ish years. Go figure. I already have a dad (he’s fucking awesome, I love my dad) so I’m not looking for a father figure, but I have had a hole in my heart all my life because of this, and I want to have a relationship with him and get a better idea of the other half of my background.

So my question(s?) is this: those who have similar experiences, where does this man belong in my life? How might this relationship look? We live close to each again other now (unintentional) so we have met up recently but…I don’t know how this relationship is supposed to work. Any thoughts and perspectives are appreciated.

Tl;dr: I have known my bio dad my entire life, but haven’t had a relationship with him. I have a real Dad who adopted me, so I don’t need a father figure, but would like to know where he (bio dad) should/could fit in my life.

Thank you so much for reading!

Hi All,

First time poster here. I am an Adoptee, have been since I was a baby. I have always known that I was thanks to my adoptive parents. I should mention, I'm 42 years young, haha.

About 2 months ago, I did an Ancestry DNA test because I wanted to find out what my heritage was. I only knew that I had German as it was disclosed on my adoption papers.

Well, since the test, I have found out who my Biological Dad is, and more about his side of the Family, which I never thought/imagined was a possibility because my biological mother never disclosed any information about him. Both are now deceased 😞 I should also mention, i do not believe my Dad's side knew about me. I have been in contact with a biological Uncle since, who has been receptive with communicating, which I'm so grateful for as it could have been the complete opposite.

I have all sorts of mixed feelings about everything I have learned which I have never experienced before. I guess I am looking for some words of encouragement/advice on how to continue.

Sorry for the long post.

I have always had a suspicion that my parents were hiding something from me. Both of my parents are African American. My father's family has roots in Georgia, Texas, and Oklahoma. Both of my parents have dark hair, dark eyes, and brown skin. My brother is even darker than they are.

In contrast, I have much lighter features. I have blonde hair and hazel eyes, although I was born with red hair and blue eyes that changed when I was around two years old. As far as I know, I am the only person on either side of my family with these traits.

My mother took a DNA test that estimated her ancestry as 79.6% African and 18.8% European, with most of her European ancestry coming from Northwestern Europe, including Scandinavian and British populations. The test also showed 0.4% South Indian and Sri Lankan, 0.2% Filipino and Austronesian, and trace amounts (0.1%) of Native American, North African, and West Asian ancestry. In addition, the results identified Jamaican ancestry.

Because of my appearance, people have often wondered why I look so different from my parents and where my physical traits came from. Their questions, combined with the noticeable differences in our appearances, have contributed to my suspicion that there may be something about my family history that I do not yet know. Throughout my life, I have frequently been mistaken for being of mixed Black and White heritage or for having ancestry from South America or the Caribbean. People have guessed that I am Brazilian, Dominican, Venezuelan, Puerto Rican, or even Black, White, and Asian.

I’m also the only one with a history of heart problems and my mom hides my important documents like my ssn and my birth certificate but doesn’t do the same for my brother. Also I have never seen a photo of my mom pregnant with me.

So I (15) just got out of my bio parents home and now I live with my friend and their mom is becoming my new legal guardian

I don’t want to call them their name that feels weird I don’t want to call them mom because then I’ll just think of my bio parent

Currently I just call them (friend name)’s mom and I don’t really want to call them that the rest of my life but I don’t know what to call them

I’m posting because I genuinely want outside opinions.
I was adopted, and growing up I always felt a little like an outsider in my own family. My mom (who adopted me) passed away two years ago, and ever since then I’ve wanted to hold onto my family relationships even more.
The problem is… I don’t feel like they want me around as much as I want to be around them.
For holidays and family gatherings, I’m rarely invited directly. A lot of the time I have to reach out myself and ask if they’re getting together or if my husband and kids can come. It makes me feel like I’m inviting myself instead of actually being wanted.
This year I skipped Christmas because I had a terrible migraine, but if I’m being honest, I was also feeling depressed losing my mom. They usually don’t tell me where everyone is gathering until just a few days beforehand anyway, so I already feel like an afterthought.
They have family group chats that I’m not included in. They have cousins who travel in from other states who are kept in the loop and included in everything, but somehow I’m always the one who finds out last or not at all.
What hurts the most is that I grew up with these cousins. We were practically raised like siblings. Because of that, I think I expected we’d stay close as adults.
Today was another family gathering that we weren’t invited to, and it brought all of those feelings back. I ended up spending the day feeling rejected, even though kind neighbors invited us to the lake and it make us feel better.
Am I overthinking this? Is it possible they’re just forgetful, or does this sound like I’m simply not a priority to them?
Has anyone else especially someone who was adopted or who lost the parent that kept everyone connected—experienced something similar? How did you cope with feeling like you belonged growing up, but somehow don’t anymore?

I’m searching/have been searching for my niece who was taken from her mother’s custody. She was in the system & supposedly adopted even tho she had/has a father who was trying to get custody of her but was delayed because the mother didn’t put him on the birth certificate even tho he was active in her life.

She has family on her father’s side who have been looking for her for years, but she was young enough that if she was adopted they may have changed her name. I’m at a stand still because I don’t have many resources or know where else to look.

If anyone has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it.

If it helps, she is 14 this year & is/was in the system in Colorado.

Please be kind. I’m not looking to disrupt anyone’s life, I just want to make sure she is not in the system anymore(or if she still is, helping my brother(her father) get her back so that she is with family).

I’m an adoptee and didn’t have a good experience with either my adoptive or bio family so I’m unfortunately well versed in all the problems adoption can bring.

My sister unfortunately fell victim to her trauma and has struggled with addiction for many, MANY years. As a result, she lost custody of her first daughter shortly after she was born. We then took her daughter as a kinship placement and went on to legally adopt her. HOWEVER, she has always known she’s our niece and although she’s chosen to call us mom/dad she still calls her mother mom too which is fine of course. We make it a priority to foster a good relationship with her mother whenever it’s safe and appropriate to do so and often my sister comes round for holidays etc and she’s never missed her daughter’s birthday which is something I desperately wished I could’ve had growing up and was very important to all of us. Our girl is 14 now and doing really well.

Anyway, all that to say we’re feeling very sad today as my sister has another daughter who’s now 3 and we had hoped she was going to be able to stay on track and keep her daughter. Unfortunately this has now become untenable and we’ve been asked to take her younger daughter in. We’re pleased for our niece that she will have her biological sibling living with us and we will ensure that however this ends up (hoping of course that my sister can get her daughter back eventually) that we foster the same relationship between my sister and her children that we always have done. We’re equally heartbroken for the 3 year old and her mom that they’re going to be separated but thankful that we already have a relationship with her and she’s stayed at our house many times and already has her own bed, toys, clothes etc here so at least she’s going to a home she already knows inside out.

But I’m just so sad that this is happening. I’m desperately sad for my sister. I’m desperately sad for her daughters. It’s bringing up a lot of my own past trauma so I’m sad for myself too. It’s just all so sad but I’m glad at least that our kids’ experience of adoption will be the least traumatic we can possibly make it (should we end up adopting the younger girl too, hopefully not of course but we’re here if needed) and my sister can still have contact with her children and knows that they’re safe and loved while she tries to help herself.

Thank you to anyone that’s read this, I just needed to vent somewhere anonymous where other people understand as I can’t share too many details with people I know irl as it’d be disrespectful of everyone’s privacy obviously and I’m not going to air other people’s traumas in public. Grateful for this community.

So a few months ago I found my bio family’s Facebook information. Unfortunately, my bio mother herself is deceased. I have 3 bio half (?) brothers, an uncle, and some other folks as well. I’m unsure of who my bio dad is. I sent the uncle an Instagram message in December and he never responded which makes sense I’d probably assume it was a scam as well. I laid it to rest and decided to wait and see but nothing has come with it. Through Facebook, I found a phone number for one of my bio moms friends (it was posted on her timeline saying hey call me) and I was wondering if it would be a good idea to call it? It says it’s still active and belongs to the same guy still, he’s in his 80s I believe. I am 16 and my grandparents (who take care of me and are adoptive not bio) say it’s fine but I’m not sure. I’m open to any advice.

I am a single mom to a three year old son. I struggle with borderline personality disorder, drug abuse, and financial stress.
I used drugs during my
Pregnancy. And got clean 6 months pregnant.
I’ve tried to give him a great life but I am starting to become possibly abusive. I spank him almost everyday and verbal abuse telling him to be quiet he’s annoying and to get out of my life

I can’t even take care of myself I am sad
I cry because this is so tragic. But what if I am holding him back from a great life. He should have two parents, and be stable. He also constantly is telling me he wants a new mommy. But I’m not sure to read into a 3 year old to much.

I keep a clean home, he has no cavities, food is always home made and delicious, I buy him everything he wants and trips to fun places. We do have great moments. But sometimes it gets dark.

My son’s biological father owes $100,000 in child support arrears. His wife recently posted that they are looking to adopt a child. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in adoption for families who cannot have children and children who need families. My question is, in America, do adoption agencies look if the adoptive father has children who he chooses not to support? TIA

Is it bad for me to want to adopt a child if i'm constantly in and out of businesses? i've given up alot to try to chase a dollar but i want to help in some kind of way. i don't know , i want to help some how dont know how. maybe this is stupid. my parents made less money than me sometimes and would have still have had to raise me so i dunno ..basically how financially stable should i be to foster or adopt a child

For anyone interested in the thoughts of a birth mother 35 years after relinquishing an infant - and after a messy reunion…

Before you come at me, I’m not looking to be judged or scolded. I have a therapist. She can challenge my thinking, and I already know some of this may be selfish, unhealthy, or simply wrong. Right now, I’m just trying to be transparent - mostly for adoptees - so that maybe someone who is confused can better understand what their birth mother might be feeling. I’m hoping it helps. I’m not trying to hurt anyone or compete with anyone else’s experience. I’ve been spending a lot of time in self reflection with the intention of helping adoptees understand why their birthmom *might* have walked away or said no.

I think I finally found the one sentence that describes it for me:

The role I occupied was biologically indispensable and personally disposable.

I was a utility - a womb to carry someone else’s family - and once that role was fulfilled, my usefulness was over.

It’s so profoundly undignified.

Good God…

That burns in my soul like pouring vinegar on road rash.

It made me realize something I hadn’t fully understood before.

For years I thought the deepest wound was losing my son.

I don’t think that’s quite it.

The deeper wound is realizing that the role I played in his life was indispensable, while I, as a person, became entirely optional. That sense of disposability echoes through the entire experience - from pregnancy, to relinquishment, to reunion.

I carried him.

I gave birth to him.

I relinquished him because I truly believed it gave him the best chance at the life I wanted for him. At the time, I believed keeping him would have been the more harmful choice. Maybe I was weak for believing I couldn’t do it. Maybe I was manipulated into believing that. Either way, it is a truthful part of my story: I was looking to do good and put him first like any loving mother would.

I spent 18 years hoping.

Then another 17 years hoping differently.

Thirty-five years later, I’ve realized that gratitude, while kind, isn’t actually what my heart has been searching for. What I’ve longed for is the recognition that relinquishment can profoundly wound the woman who does it - and that those wounds deserve to be seen.

Too often, because the birth mother eventually becomes “optional,” her suffering becomes optional too.

If someone donated a kidney that saved my child’s life, I wouldn’t simply feel grateful for the organ. I would feel permanently connected to the person who made that sacrifice possible.

Not because I owed them my life.

But because I could never emotionally separate the gift from the giver.

That’s what I imagined adoption would eventually become.

Not co-parenting.

Not obligation.

Simply this: We know what this cost you, and we honor your humanity.

Instead…

I’ve come to believe that, in my own experience, the only role I was ever allowed to occupy was the one that benefited everyone else at my own expense. His birth father. My parents. His adoptive parents. Even my son.

To keep everyone else comfortable, I often feel that my role is to remain unseen, unheard, and managed.

That realization is profoundly undignified.

Not because I expected to become part of their family.

But because somewhere along the way, I stopped feeling like a person and started feeling like a role and the reunion only highlighted that truth:

A womb.

A chapter removed.

A means to an end.

I don’t think people understand how many birth mothers begin this journey already carrying wounds from rejection, coercion, abuse, violence, or profound powerlessness.

Relinquishment doesn’t erase those wounds.

Sometimes it simply gives them another place to live.

People often ask what hurts most.

Today, my answer is simple.

It isn’t that reunion failed.

It’s that after 35 years, I still find myself asking whether anyone ever truly saw the woman who made the sacrifice - or only the sacrifice itself.

And if I ever were truly seen, would it be for who I actually am?

Or would that simply be too inconvenient?

Sometimes, it feels as though I will always remain the most disposable part of the adoption triad. And I don’t know my soul can continue to contain that pain. I have to give up on one of the few things I’ve ever wanted - my son back in my life - and choose to live instead for what is realistic for my life. I have to walk away for now…

Sigh.

My birth mother passed away, so I will never know her answer, what is your reason for cutting contact after reunion or declining reunion altogether?

Adult adoptees in Virginia now have the legal right to obtain their original birth certificate.