r/Adoption

I am currently 20 weeks pregnant (high risk). This is baby #2 and is our last since pregnancy for me is very hard. Had 3 miscarriages before my first child. Then another before this pregnancy that was a blighted ovum. My husband and I already talked about him getting a vasectomy or me getting my tubes tied. Now with this in mind, we were hit with the news last week that his cousin on his moms side is pregnant again with baby #3 and is around 25 weeks. She is a daily drug user (meth and others that we are unsure of). The first baby was taken in and adopted from the beginning by her sister. The second baby that was born last year was taken in by grandma and this baby is possibly going into the system since no one else can or wants to take another in since her sister already has a total of 4 kids. Grandma is in her 60’s. My husbands aunt(grandma) called me and asked if we would consider taking in this baby(since the second baby we were planning on adopting if no one would). I told her we would of course talk about it. I really need advice on how hard it will be. I am due January and her baby is due late October. I would basically have twins in a way. I am scared that I will fail and my husband will fail at raising and loving this child. I am scared that I won’t love that baby the same. I am scared that our family will not love that child as their own grandchild, niece/nephew. I am scared that that baby will feel less loved or that they are not loved enough. Im scared of what the future holds in regard to health and emotional health. Will they be more likely to be addicts, have health problems, behavioral problems, mental illness? I also don’t want to have the guilt of not adopting this child and go into the system. I have been in foster care myself and wasn’t a good experience. All the stories I see and read about children in the system that are abused and neglected and used for the money. I don’t know what to do. I also don’t want to overwhelm myself and take on two baby’s plus my 4yr old daughter. We decided on two baby’s so we can give attention to our children and have a stable environment financially and emotionally. Thankfully we are financially stable and have a home and that is the least of our worries. Another worry we have is his aunts and cousins involvement in raising this baby. We don’t want issues with them telling us how to raise the baby or that they want to be too involved. We already don’t have a close relationship with them. It’s more on special occasions and my husband prefers it that way from past history in his childhood. How do we go about this? We of course would like the siblings to have a relationship and have no issues with that. I guess we just don’t know if we are gonna have problems down the road with his family. I just want to know what we can expect? I know nothing is for sure on what to expect but would like to hear from people in a similar situation.

I also wanted to add that my daughter was born at 33 weeks since I went into preterm labor and was born with hearing loss. This pregnancy seems to be going good but I have a high chance of going into preterm labor again. Im just scared that I will be in a high stress situation and don’t want to risk this pregnancy either and take on more than I can handle. I tell myself what would be different if it were twins but I know that the adoption process and constant medical care and in home visits will be quite a bit. Having the possibility of another premie for me plus a baby that will be born drug addicted with possible health complications is scaring me into thinking I can’t handle it. How would I announce a baby shower for two babies now? I will not tolerate the whispers among friends and family. My husband and I will not tolerate one baby being neglected by family and friends because it’s not ours by blood. We are scared it will put a strain in our marriage and our lives.

Thank you for any advice and feedback.

Hello! At 34 I have found out that I have a twin brother, I am woman. We were separated at birth thru adoption.

I have found out his name, searched for almost a whole year on each and every social media platform , finally found him, the simmilarities are too obvious, messaged him and gotten no reply though he has seen the messages.

Why would he not even respond to my text?

Hey so basically I was forced into a major I didn't like or agree with, when I tried to get out of it my parents told me I was adopted as leverage to get me to finish the major. Recently during a heated argument they also said they have never been happy for 20 years and they regret adopting me. Is this just normal for all adopted people to hear?

Colorado Supreme Court Chief Justice Brian Boatright announces the ceremony of Denver’s 17th annual Adoption Day celebration on Nov. 4, 2022, where 18 families formally adopted 20 Denver children. (Olivia Sun, The Colorado Sun via Report for America)

The failure rate for adoptions of Colorado’s foster children has not improved in recent years, according to a Colorado Sun analysis of state data.

Almost 10% of adoptions each year are called off, before or after they are finalized in court. There were 263 children and teenagers who were returned to the child welfare system from 2022-25 after their adoptions fell apart.

The top reason, according to state data, was the child’s behavior problem.

The 9.7% failed adoption rate in the most recent four-year period was about the same as in the previous four years. The rate hasn’t budged as the state has cut back on the number of kids who enter foster care in the first place, which has resulted in fewer adoptions, and as some efforts to help the hardest-to-place foster children and teens have fallen due to budget cuts.

A 2024 law that allowed relatives, friends and neighbors of foster kids to receive financial support without going through extensive training like other foster parents boosted “kinship” placements almost immediately. But in this year’s budget crisis, the legislature eliminated funding for what are called “non-certified kinship” homes, saving $5.5 million in state funds.

Another bill passed this year saved the state about $4 million this year and $9 million next year by capping the support payments adoptive families receive to pay for care for children they have adopted. The “adoption assistance program” was limited to 50% of foster care rates for children under 9 and to 60% of foster care rates for teens 14 and older. The capped amounts are now $21 per day for young children and $39 for teens.

The 10% broken adoption rate in Colorado the past four years is slightly better than the 13% rate for the 10-year period from 2012-2021, which The Colorado Sun analyzed during an investigative series published in 2022.

The Sun found that in those 10 years, 1,094 kids had been failed twice, ending up back in foster care after their adoptions fell apart. It was the first time the state had released data on “disrupted” and “dissolved” adoptions, following a request from The Sun under the Colorado Open Records Act.

An adoption is considered disrupted when the child reenters foster care after the adoption has been finalized, or when a child is placed in an adoptive home and the adoption proceedings are called off before the adoption is finalized.

An adoption is dissolved when the adoptive parents legally sever ties with their adopted child in court. The child goes into foster care and can be adopted by someone else.

Colorado Department of Human Services officials said the state agency is working to increase adoption success rates in part by adding questions to the three-year post-adoption reviews they send parents in order to find out more about what kind of support families need.

“It is challenging to get a full picture of why adoptions are disrupted as we don’t have detailed data on various complex variables that could potentially impact the process,” Joseph Homlar, division director of child welfare, said via email, noting that adoptions break up because of conflict with sibling groups, children with complex medical or behavioral health needs, and families living in areas without enough local resources.

Adoptions of foster kids in Colorado have declined in recent years in part because fewer kids are being removed from their homes and placed in foster care, in this state and nationwide. Also, more relatives have stepped in to take children, and they often choose to become legal guardians instead of the more permanent outcome of adoption, Homlar said.

In September, there were 301 children and teens legally available for adoption in Colorado, the lowest number in years and down from the 369 children legally available for adoption in September 2024.

Homlar acknowledged this year’s budget cuts would affect children but said “more time is needed to determine just how impactful this will be to families adopting from the child welfare system.”

This might be rambling, and possibly the wrong flair, so apologies in advanced. What I'm hoping to read from yall are your thoughts and feelings as an adoptee.

A little background, in 2008 I learned my girlfriend at the time was pregnant. We were both in high-school, but went to different schools. Very quickly we were pressured by her parents into adoption. While not relevant here, I was against it and it still hurts to this day knowing and not know everything I missed. But I also recognize it what was best for the baby.

We picked the perspective parents, met them, and decided they were the ones. They were from a different region of our same decently populated state (US), so likely would never accidentally cross paths.

The birth and immediate 3 days after was harder than anything I've done in my life since, and I've been to war. It mentally and emotionally wrecked me in ways im not entirely sure I've dealt with to this day. During negotiations (not sure what other word to use?) the adoptive parents agreed to a semi-open adoption, where they would send pictures and letters and we could do the same.

About 18 months later, I enlisted in the Army, went to the above mentioned war, and began living on the opposite side of the country. During all this time, I still receive the letters and pictures to my parents home, and they send them to me once a year.

When I met the woman I would eventually marry and start a family with, I was upfront and told her all this, and she was and is supportive.

However, I never wrote back.

Its not that I didnt want to, bc I did. But I didnt (and still don't) think I was OK enough mentally and emotionally to put words to paper in a way that wasn't destructive. Like I said, I felt pressured into it, and on top of trauma from the military, it felt wrong. I also don't think it would be helpful to build a distant pseudo-relationship while being that fragile.

Over the years I've started that healing process and started a family of my own. Ive been in a good place for a while, and meant to start that process of being interactive, but as I'm sure many can attest, life happens.

Its not an excuse, dont get me wrong. I know I could have taken that time to start, but I didnt for one reason or another.

Recently, my mom sent me a picture of my child meeting her birth mother, and it hit me just how stupid I have been, especially in the last 10yrs. So I typed up a letter and sent it off to the agency for them to relay to the family.

This is where yall come in: tell me your feelings as a child that was adopted to your birth parents. Did you want to meet? Did you meet? Did you have any sort of contact growing up or not? How did/does it make you feel? What are your thoughts?

If my child wants to meet me, I would love nothing more, but I can also see why they might not want to, and thats OK too; I'd understand.

I'm just a little lost and thought it might help to try and get in their headspace.

Thanks.

If a UK adoption was never legalised, does it imply that your birth parents are still your legal parents?

Do any adopt these of color have good relationships with their white adopted parent? I work with a lot of Black children who have been adopted by non-Black families. But I’ve only met a few parents who really try to make an effort to learn their child’s culture. Most just try to ignore or dismiss their race. I’ve never met a non-Black parent who cares enough to set aside money to ensure their child’s hair stays done or they can take proper care of their hygiene requirements (lotion, oil, etc.).

I kind of feel like not getting your child’s hair done or ensuring that they have the tools to build a positive sense of self is child neglect. I’ve seen kids had to shave their heads because their parents refuse to learn how to care for it. I’ve also seen kids get eczema because their parents don’t ensure they’re using lotion every morning.

Usually, their lack of care bleeds into how they treat the child. It’s like they treat their children like they’re wild animals while also not giving them the tools to groom themselves. Then they start acting too scared to parent them or they start acting scared of the child once they get older. I don’t know if I’m being hypercritical or if this is an actual issue. Are there any transracially adoptees who love their non-black or white adopted parent? How can I encourage non-Black parents to do better? How can I help Black adoptees enhance their self image without crossing their parents boundaries? My questions are for people of color, not the people who adopted them. Ive heard hella parents from transracially adopted families praise transracial adoption.

Location: Illinois, USA

I 16m was adopted at 14 by someone I thought would be a good placement for me, but throughout these past 2.5 years I've realized that I have been being used for my father's inheritance money. I have a job that is decent for someone my age, but i don't believe i make enough yet.

Any advice/help would be greatly appreciated.

Hello, I hope people will be impartial and kind as possible. I've had mental health challenges prior to my son's birth for many years and was prescribed multiple types of medication which had no impact. I am an older single mother, in my mid-forties when I had my son, and I am a single mother. Since my son's birth in January this year, I have been getting increasingly unwell. I have been engaging with perinatal mental health services but to no avail. I feel worse than I did when my son was born. I have been taking medication - in this case, Mirtazapine, that again, like the previous medication, have not had any impact. I really can not go on. I live in a two-room apartment and can't move out because my income comes from sick leave. I can't see any alternative but to put my child up for adoption because my mental health is so bad amd the psychiatriat I have been talking to does not envisage any improvement. I'm based in Europe. I hope adoption is better in Europe than in the U.S. because I know most of the comments from adoptees are very scathing of adoption and I think that is mainly critical of the U.S. system. Does anyone have any experience of adoption in Europe?

I was adopted when I was 12 and I’m now 16M. I was in foster care since I was 7 both of my parents were addicts and my mom died to addiction when I was 5 and that led my bio dad down a spiral of depression and more addiction to where I was neglected and then cps then got me and I was place in foster.

I was finally adopted at 12 by my amazing mom whom I love. She’s single and has tried dating every now and then she just hasn’t met the right person. I love her a lot and I’ve been so grateful for her. She was the one to put me in therapy with an adoption specialist therapist too.

I’m having major attachment issues tho. I will be honest I don’t have much memory of my bio parents. Everyone keeps saying oh you were traumatized so I don’t remember it. But if I don’t remember it then why do I have such horrible attachment issues.

I go to in person school and I keep to myself I’m on the swim team I have like a few friends. But when I’m at home I want to be with my mom 24/7. Even doing homework I’ll go to her bed and lay down with her and do it.

When she goes to the store I don’t want her to leave me at the house alone and I feel so sad over it.

My son, who was adopted at birth, found me. We had an instant connection. Less than a year later, he moved across the country to live with me. He got a little wild (college town, and my dna) and I sent him back home. There's no bad blood. We talked most days. He wanted to come back. I love him. And I love that he's here. And I see him trying, so I know me giving him a second chance down here isn't in vein. It's just so hard. My husband is super supportive. They absolutely love each other. I just don't know anyone who can relate. It's like im on an island. I have plenty of people to talk to... but no one understands what I'm going through... its just so much. I love him with every cell in my body, but everything is just so internal.

Forgive the title, I could not think of a better one. I am the birth father in an open adoption of a great 11 year old boy. The family and I have a great relationship. We’ve met each others extended family, they came to my wedding, I’ve been to all his major life events, and my son has always known who I am to him. My wife is not the BM, but he calls her a 3rd mom anyway which is very sweet. My wife and I are recently pregnant (our first), and plan to tell the family this weekend.

I’ve never pried into why they chose to adopt, but I’ve always assumed they may have struggled to have children of their own. Because of that, I’m worried that announcing a pregnancy could bring up some complicated emotions, even if they’re genuinely excited for us.

We’re all getting together this Saturday, and I’m not sure how to handle it. Should I tell his mom and dad privately and let them decide how to share the news with my son? Or should I tell everyone at the same time? Am I over thinking it?

Hey all!

I hope this is allowed here. I want some opinions!

We are in the matching process of our journey and a same gender sibling set has come up. We only have one bedroom available without having to do major renovations or buy a new house 😅

What age would you say generally speaking couple two boys (bio siblings) share a room? From my own experience my brother and I only shared a room until we were like maybe 7 or 8 but it was due to living arrangements at the time. And my husband has only a sister so they never really shared a room ever.

To add, there is only legal requirements for age cap by law for opposite gender kids where we live.

Did you tell your kids you were adopted? I have a 5 and 3 year old. Right now they are too little to understand. I am not sure if I’ll even tell them?

Edit: my adoptive parents don’t know I found my bio family so I don’t want the kids to accidentally say something to them. Also, not sure how to tell them either? I’ve been in contact with bio family for 2 years.

I was adopted at 6 months old in Asia and live in North America. At 35 I became a mother and realized I never had any attachment to my parents. working through it with my therapist but clearly have attachments issues. even more, our parents abandoned us when they divorced, so I was let down twice. AMA

She doesn't know who handled the adoption. Doesn't know the exact birth date, only the year and place. Can I do a vital records request to see if some sort of consent was given by the adoptee for his birth parents to contact him? If a consent exists, would it be attached to his birth certificate and searchable by her maiden name at time of birth?

So basically I’m a 42 year old single mom of two older kids 19 and 17 that I’ve raised alone. I’m currently 5 months pregnant and the baby’s father has recently become abusive and then bailed.

Question is should I put the baby up for adoption or keep him?

I make decent money but not enough without dad’s help. Childcare would take about 35-40% of my monthly earnings.

I’m months away from being done and the idea of starting over AGAIN at 42 by myself is horrific.

Dad is abusive.

I have zero support system, even the older siblings want nothing to do with him.

My brain is screaming, adoption- logically it’s the best solution for little man and for me.

But….my heart.

My heart screams- that’s your baby, you’ll figure it out you’ve done it before, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you give him up, the baby will suffer possible abandonment, how would you explain to him when he’s older that you kept your first two but not him? In 5 years what will you regret most?

Could I give him a decent life? Yes but it would throw me back into poverty that I’ve worked so hard to crawl out of.

Another family could give him a great life. However, that’s also a risk.

What would you do?

I am looking to adopt a child who has had parental rights terminated and is freed for adoption. I am not interested in fostering. I am in New York and a private agency that I have talked to said it’s going to cost between $25,000-30,000. However, in the contract it seems like it’s going to cost a lot more because there are all these other fees that are not included. They charged the same amount for an infant. Is there anybody that has adopted an older child and didn’t do it through a private agency? Or even if you did it through a private agency, who did you use and how much did it cost?

EDIT: thank you to everyone that has commented. You have all given me more information in 4 hours than I was able to gather in over a month. I feel like I’ve been steered in a better direction and I have a lot of great info to do further research! Thank you for helping me on this journey.

So I made a thread on AITA

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1vqn5rn/aita_for_wanting_to_add_my_birth_surname/

and lots of people called me asshole for wanting to do that. And someone recommended its better to post in adoption subs.

What would adopted people say? This is my alt account not main btw