I’m a mom of two (10 and 4) and I’m seriously considering divorce, but I feel overwhelmed and need outside perspective.
My husband and I have been together about 12 years. Over time, I’ve felt more and more disconnected and honestly miserable in the relationship. He helps very little with the house or kids (mainly just cuts the grass), and I often feel like the only time I get attention from him is when he wants sex. He tells me he has needs, “do you not want to please your husband, or should I just jack off and watch porn.” Sex is 9/10 times only for his pleasure. I tell him I also have needs (emotional) and he says “so you are punishing me?”
There have also been situations in the past that made me really uncomfortable, like him wanting sex while our daughter was asleep right next to us in bed. This was when she was prob 2-4ish and I know she was asleep but that is difficult to ignore during sex. That really disturbed me and I still think about it.
Whenever I try to bring up issues, he tends to turn it around on me and brings up a time in the past when I was drinking too much, saying “after all you put me through,” even though I was always home and not doing anything harmful. It makes me feel like I’m not allowed to have concerns now. Mind you he partakes in marijuana on the daily.
Recently we started talking about possibly separating. He gave options like selling the house or me refinancing, but then suggested that me and the kids leave so he can “clean out the house,” which doesn’t feel fair or stable for the kids. The house is in his name, but it’s been our family home.
There’s also been tension around money—he says things like I owe him for certain expenses, says a tax refund is “his” because he makes less, and recently made me pay him back for tires. It feels like everything turns into me owing him.
When I asked for space or a temporary separation to think, he basically shut that down and won’t give me that option.
At this point, I feel emotionally checked out. If nothing changed, I know I’d be miserable staying. But I’m also scared, confused, and trying to think about what’s best for my kids.
I guess I’m looking for perspective—does this sound like something that can realistically improve, or am I ignoring major red flags?