Here we are again. You’ve likely noticed the anxiety creeping in. Things are getting harder. Motivation and energy are low.
The intrusive thoughts start small but grow and strengthen until it sounds like 1000 voices telling you that the pain is not worth it. The ending your life will end the cycle and stop the suffering. That in death, there will be quiet and stillness. Things that on earth seem intangible. Your body is shaking, hands trembling. You’re researching how to end it. Even that seems hard. There’s no easy way out. If you were to do it, you wouldn’t get it wrong. But this is a lifesaver. Stop and know that you are in control.
Today you can make a decision to tell the thoughts to fuck off. Reminding yourself then on the good days you want to be here. You laugh. You like being around people. You look forward to things. Your content with the life you have built.
The fog makes all of that impossible to feel. It as though you’ll never feel it again, and even if you do get better at the risk of failing again is too much to bear.
You need to ask for help. I know you can get through it on your own, but that’s scary. And risky. We don’t know if things might get worse. Maybe we won’t be able to make a good decision. Can you reach out to the hospital? There are people there that will help you. Tell your partner you need them to take you. Or to call. Something. Anything.
When the fog lifts, and you returned to your mind, you’ll thank yourself for it. We will work out what we need to do.
If it gets too much, just take a tablet and sleep, you’re safe there. Your body needs to rest. It’s fighting hard and it will be tiring. Give into it. Hurting yourself is more punishment, punishment that you don’t deserve. You aren’t ungrateful you didn’t ask for this and it is real. We’ve been through this enough times to know that.
In the moment, the thoughts are real, the threat is real, and there is no use trying to outreach it, but you can stand firm while the storm comes through.
Feet on the ground.
Holding on tight.
Life is worth living.
I wrote this after my last depressive episode. Currently going through another and revisited what I wrote. It’s very hard to argue with my past self and it’s given me some hope that I’ll get to the other side of this. I’d recommend this exercise if you’ve been through some hard things. We’re stronger than we think.
What would your past self say to you?