Being pretty ruined the way I see myself and relationships (F18)
I genuinely feel broken when it comes to relationships and I don’t know how to stop this cycle
Growing up, people constantly reduced me to my looks. I was always “the prettiest girl in school”, “the hot one”, “model material”, etc. and after years of hearing that I think I internalized the idea that my appearance is the only thing valuable about me.
The problem is that now I genuinely don’t know what else I have to offer.
Compared to people my age, I don’t do sports, I don’t feel interesting, talented, emotionally stable or “full” as a person. So whenever a guy gives me attention, I get attached insanely fast internally because suddenly he becomes the only thing making me feel something.
And I realized I have a horrible mindset when dating:
I feel guilty if a guy spends time with me and I DON’T give him something physical, like I’m wasting his time.
It genuinely feels like I owe guys my body as a reward for liking me, texting me, seeing me, driving to me, spending money on dates, etc. Almost like I’m “holding them hostage” if I don’t eventually give them physical intimacy.
I’m terrified that if I don’t give them my body or affection fast enough, they’ll realize there’s nothing special inside me and leave.
I know that sounds horrible. But it’s genuinely how I feel.
I’ve never had a real stable long relationship either. Just situationships, flings, almost-relationships. Guys desire me physically, but nobody fully chooses me long term. And every time it ends, it reinforces this idea that maybe I really AM only valuable physically.
I’m currently seeing a guy right now, I know it’s just the start but he’s genuinely a good guy, very caring and sensitive BUT we got intimate after only 2 weeks. Since he just started working he’s a little busier and I’m spiraling mentally even though rationally I know he could just be tired or busy.
I feel pathetic because I would honestly do almost anything just to feel truly loved and emotionally chosen for once, not just desired.
Has anyone healed from this kind of mindset? How do you stop tying your worth to being wanted physically?