I Don’t Know How To Approach These Feelings Anymore
As the title says, I’m currently struggling with some internal conflicts with my emotions about the possible new addition of a partner. Part of me feels like I’ve made a mistake and don’t know how to bring up some concerns with my partner that I live with.
*Crucial context before I elaborate further is that I am pregnant for the first time, currently 2/3 of the way. My partner came out to me about being polyamorous and interested in a triad dynamic with another woman about a month before I was pregnant, and I agreed to try being poly since I’m bisexual and could see it working out. We had been together almost a year during this time, now we have been together a bit over a year.
I’m aware that it’s looked down upon when relationships progress pretty quickly, but I had treaded carefully during the new stages of our relationship to look out for red-flags especially so when we started connecting deeply. It’s not until recently that my partner has started to ding up some bells that I know weren’t present before. 1 month ago I noticed more activity on their phone, late night texting, tilting and switching to home when I got close; It wasn’t until I happened to look over in their direction about a few days after I started picking up on this new unusual behavior that I saw them on a dating app and made an audible comment that they looked like someone they’d known that confirmed they were now actively looking. Initially, it made me feel really bad and lonely because we were spending what I believed to be quality playing a game together… but I didn’t say anything about it because I just didn’t know how to even bring up the fact that I knew and also how it makes me feel.
Now, a week ago they asked if I were still okay with them being poly and I told them yes because that is the truth, but I didn’t tell them that I knew they were actively looking. It’s like they amplified the secretive behavior ever since that was asked and they’ve been more affectionate almost to the point I feel like I’m being buttered up to make up for something. It’s not that they’re looking that is bothering me necessarily, and it won’t be a problem for me unless it interferes with their focus on me and baby right now, it’s the fact that they haven’t told me and I feel like a crucial rule has been broken; being honest and transparent.
But… the other night, I was snuggling up with them and placed their hand on my belly to feel baby moving, but they seemed more absorbed into the phone and when I was at a certain angle unintentionally they hurried and switched to home, but for a split second I saw them on a dating app. I almost couldn’t sleep in the same room after that and fought back the urge to cry so hard, but ended up crying in the living room and using one of my plushies as emotional support while they were asleep. It’s like the fear that I and the baby won’t be a focus for them is becoming a reality to me. My biggest issue in all of this is not wanting to deal with confrontations, but this just feels wrong, it doesn’t feel like I’ve made the right choices and I’m having second thoughts on both being in this relationship and that I maybe should’ve gotten an abortion because this timing couldn’t be more terrible. I hate to say that, not in a way that I regret this baby but in way that I wish it had been later because I’m scared of what life will be like for both me and baby. I really do love this baby a lot so much already, but if I could put a pause on this pregnancy to have the baby some other time then I would because it’s not fair if a stable environment would be absent for little fella…
I just don’t know how to tell them their secrecy is bothering me without coming off as aggressive or that I’m attacking them, and I don’t know if this would be considered cheating or not but it’s not like we had made it a rule for it to not be said if either of us was looking. They told me it’d be something we did together, that communication and all that stuff is important, that I wouldn’t get anything less with another partner in the picture, but it’s starting to feel a bit one sided like those words are starting to mean less. I feel like my insecurities and fears about navigating a triad dynamic may actually come/be true and I know it is not just pregnancy hormones at play with how this is all making me feel, it just makes navigating these feelings even harder.
The only person I feel like I could maybe talk to about it a little is their father/my father-in-law since he is poly too, but obviously wouldn’t want to stir up anything doing that so I’m lost.
Any advice here would be greatly appreciated.