Help with anxiety about ADHD.
Before I write what I need advice with, I accidentally wrote a 7000+ word vent in this post box when I just wanted to ask a little bit of advice about a few struggles I've been having. I was planning on posting it, but I decided that it's honestly a little too personal, interfere probably, and although I'm okay with that, it's also so goddamn long that it would interfer with the advice I need, so I'm just gonna use the stuff I got out in the vent to ask you all some questions.
Also, I'm new to posting in this sub or really posting in any of these subs about real issues or real-world stuff in general, and I'm posting in this sub cause I have anxiety about ADHD, so if I'm misinterpreting the sub name, that's my fault, but I hope you'll still answer my questions.
My first question is about a kind of imposter syndrome-esque feeling about ADHD, cause I did get truly diagnosed around 3-4 years ago (I'm 18 if that helps), but really ever since then I've struggled with actually being able to trust that I have it. It's kinda like part of me thinks I'm faking it just to get a pass on being lazy (which I know is a common trope that old people love to say) but I don't know how to prove to myself that I do. If you could share some wisdom, or if you've gone through or are going through something similar, I would appreciate hearing something from you.
My second question is kinda related to the first, and it's that I think that the reason I have these feelings is cause I don't truly understand what ADHD is. I'll look things up and be like "well yeah that sounds like me," but nothing is ever really constant other than "Inability to focus" and "Hyperactivity," and I don't ever feel like I have enough information to decide if I'm just trying to fake what I think ADHD is or if I really do have it. Obviously, I'm not sure if hearing a good description is enough to prove it to myself, but I think it's worth a shot.
Again, my third question is also pretty related to the others, but what also throws me off is that most of the medicine I've been prescribed and taken never feels like it works, and what I've taken right now (an hour before I decided to ask this) feels kinda right, but I'm afraid it's too much. A little context is also that I've been perscribed adderall in the past but the dose I had didn't work, so I went through a few more, and I was talking to my mom (who also had ADHD) and she told me what her dose of adderall is, so I thought that since I'm much bigger than her I could take it and I'd be okay, and maybe this would work. Which it did the first time I took it, but it was so wildly different from anything else I've taken (since none of them did anything at all) I'm afraid it's too much, and I have a deep fear of either taking too much or that I don't have ADHD and taking medicine, which either of those situations will end up getting me addicted, and now that I've found this dose that works, I'm afraid that it's one of those adderall adict doses, and I don't want to end up like that y'know? So my actual question is, I would like it if someone could kind of try to put into words what an Ideal dose feels like. Or if you know what too high does feel like, that would also be good. Obviously, I don't want you guys to try to prescribe me a dose since that's against the rules I read (and I wouldn't want that anyway since I'm gonna talk to my doctor soon anyway), but it would help if I could get some ideas of what a working dose really feels like so that when I talk to my doctor, I have a way to say "All the medcine you were giving me wasn't working, but I took this and it worked so maybe we can see if this is safe?" or "...This dose was too high, but it was the only one that actually effected me, so maybe we can find some type of middle ground". (To clarify again, please don't give medical advice, cause I don't want this post deleted and then I get no answers.)
I know this is kinda long itself, but I'd appreciate any feedback cause I kinda feel like I have no one I can ask questions like this, since I don't know any people with ADHD, and looking stuff up solves nothing. Thank you for reading, even if you don't comment, I appreciate you reading any of this since it's kind of personal.