u/Ali_Lily

I've been updating editing my query based on the first and second attempt. It's a bit different and there's more context than the original attempt. There are some parts that feel off to me no matter how many times I rewrite so I encourage the feedback!

Dear,

I'm querying my debut novel, Hoping the Stars Align, complete at 85,800 words. It is a Young Adult speculative novel with strong friendship dynamics and romantic elements that will appeal to readers of Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas and Late to the Party by Kelly Quindlen.

Two hundred years ago, the UAE engineered five artificial island nations and sealed them from the outside world. Now those islands are built on what came before: past lives and soulmate bonds that determine your standing, and no one questions a system that fate itself designed. Earth Aref never cared much about status. His family doesn't even know who he is, and he's made his peace with that. To him, what matters is much simpler—somewhere out there, he has a soulmate, and that is enough.

Until his friends decide it isn't. When they catch him staring at Kamir—an upperclassman whose sister dates their friend Vernon—and realize who he is to Earth, they decide he's wasting his chance. Maya, the closest thing Earth has to a sister, is the loudest cheerleader of them all. Earth learns to cook and slowly sands down parts of himself that don't fit the image of someone Kamir could love. Each small adjustment feels worth it. He tells himself he's simply becoming a better version of himself.

But the adjustments don't stop. Kamir becomes the center of every decision and every version of the future Earth can imagine.

Then Earth finds something he wasn't supposed to. A fragment of an ancient artifact, tied to the islands' founding, that no one has ever explained. He brings it to his friends the way he brings everything to them, looking for connection, for answers. What they piece together changes everything. There is a gap in their history, an unrecorded stretch of time between each death and rebirth that someone worked very hard to erase. The artifact, capable of manipulating air on a massive scale, may be the reason why. And in their world, uncovering what the government buried doesn't just ruin lives. 

It ends them.

Earth barely registers the danger. He's too focused on Kamir—reverse-engineering his own heart with the same obsessive care he's giving the artifact—while the people who actually love him pay the price. The deeper they dig, the more the government closes in. Friends are arrested. Others vanish. And Maya, his sister, his home, bears the cost of what Earth's obsession has set in motion—though Earth won't understand that until it's far too late.

Earth has spent everything hoping the stars would align. He never considered what he would burn through to get there.

[BIO]

Thank you for your consideration.

It took me a while to edit and redo my query, but I think I addressed most of the concerns given in the first attempt.

Dear,

I'm querying my debut novel, Hoping the Stars Align, complete at 99,000 words. It is a Young Adult speculative novel with strong friendship dynamics and romantic elements that will appeal to readers of Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas and Late to the Party by Kelly Quindlen.

Two hundred years ago, the UAE engineered five artificial island nations and sealed them from the outside world. Now those islands are built on what came before—past lives and soulmate bonds determine your standing, and no one questions a system that fate itself designed. Earth has never cared much about that status. His family doesn't fully know who he is, and he's made his peace with that. What matters is simpler: somewhere out there, Kamir is his soulmate, and that has always been enough.

Until his friends decide it isn't. Convinced Earth is wasting his chance, they stage events and engineer opportunities to push the two together — coaching Earth on how to present himself, who to be, what to change. Maya, the closest thing Earth has to a sister, is the loudest cheerleader of all. Earth learns to cook, picks up new habits, slowly sands down the parts of himself that don't fit the image of someone Kamir could love. Each small adjustment feels worth it. He tells himself he's simply becoming a better version of himself.

But the adjustments don't stop. Kamir becomes the center of every decision, every plan, every version of the future Earth can imagine. When Earth stumbles across a fragment of an ancient artifact tied to the countries' founding, he brings it to his friends the same way he does everything—looking for connection, for something to make sense of. Together they begin piecing together what it was used for, and what they find unsettles everything. There is a gap—an unrecorded stretch of time between each death and rebirth that the countries were built to forget. Someone erased it deliberately. And the deeper Earth pulls his friends into the search for why, the more dangerous the silence becomes.

Earth barely registers the danger. He's too focused on Kamir—reverse-engineering his own heart with the same obsessive care he's giving the artifact—while the people who actually love him pay the price. Friends are arrested. Others vanish. And Maya, his home, his sister, bears the cost of what Earth's obsession has set in motion—though Earth won't understand that until it's far too late.

The boy who only wanted to be loved becomes the reason the people who already loved him are gone.

[BIO]

Thank you for your consideration.