Anyone watch Summer House? (30F and 44M together for 5.5 years)
Watching the finale last night, as someone currently separated from my partner, was brutal.
It feels like my relationship has been almost mirroring Amanda’s and Kyle’s this entire season (without all the Scamanda bullshit). When we started the season, 3.5 months ago, I remember watching Amanda being clearly checked out of the relationship and thinking “oh… that’s exactly how I feel.” At that time we were together as “strictly business” basically, like just for logistics. She looked so empty those first few episodes, and I remember just feeling seen and slightly less alone. There is a lot of resentment, mostly on my side.
Got a little better for a bit, then April I got into a real dark place, he started sleeping on the couch, and on May 1st things escalated in unhealthy ways on both sides (slamming doors, hitting a wall, and a bag of clothes being thrown in aggression). I ended up leaving for my parents that night, and have been there ever since. Pretty much around the time Ciara suggested Kyle and Amanda separate. Like the conversation was almost identical.
We took a full week off to breathe, and have been seeing each other/dating twice a week since then. And honestly it’s been really nice. We had a conversation about our communication and conflict resolution styles, and what we need from each other going forward to never let that happen again. We were both communicating so much better and more mindful of the other person. It felt really good. He felt like my boyfriend again, and I realized I hadn’t felt that in a long time.
Then one bad night last night sent me into a BPD split, I lashed out and texted some horrible things. When I woke up this morning I apologized and recognized what went wrong, what triggered me, and how I could’ve handled it better. He responded by saying we would talk later and that we weren’t going on our date that we had set for today. Which absolutely derailed me. I wish he would’ve handled that better, but I understand I can’t expect him to regulate me if he’s dysregulated himself.
He has severe PTSD and I have BPD and we trigger the fuck out of each other. I seek reassurance and he’s not always in a place to give me that to the extent I want it, so I push, he withdraws, I push harder, then I feel abandoned and it just escalates. When I’m activated, I need him to stay emotionally close and resolve things right now. When he’s activated, he needs space. So we were stuck in that vicious cycle all day. I can’t remember half the day, it’s all been a blur.
Anyway, he introduced me to Summer House. We’ve been watching together all season and have been so excited for the finale and In The City. So to watch this specific finale after the day we just had, was just really hard. They tried a separation as a last ditch effort, and it didn’t work. It just makes me feel like we’re going to end now too. Like it was a glimpse into my near future.
I just wanted to share that with someone I guess. Idk. Thanks 🫶🏻