AITAH For Not Kicking a New Friend to the Curb Because my Fiancé’s Ex Used to Date Them
Edit* my post title should say “my fiancé’s friend used to date them” sorry everyone
Sorry for the long story but I think it’s all pretty relevant.
So I (male) have been dating my Fiancé (female) for almost 4 years now. Personally, I keep my trusted friend group limited and close. I have a few really good friends that I vibe with and trust, but I’m cordial with virtually everyone.
My fiancée has a core group of female friends who she has know for years. Her closest friend (let’s call her Brit) has never really liked me. I don’t personally mind her, but I generally don’t associate with people who clearly don’t like me.
However recently Brit went abroad with a guy she was dating and when it didn’t work out she came back. When she came back, we were getting along a lot better. Then Brit started dating a guy she was friends with for years, (let’s call him Mike).
Well, Mike and her hit it off and it seemed like they were really doing well, and my fiancée and I ended up going to his a number of times over the roughly three months they were dating.
During that time, Mike and I really hit it off. We text a lot, hang out, I have permission to go to his place when he’s not around to fish, and even to borrow his pickup truck whenever. The entire time, he has been a genuinely nice guy and an awesome friend to me. Our birthdays are even only a day apart.
Then, Brit suddenly broke up with Mike the week before our mutual birthday. No domestic violence, apparently just that they got in some fights and broke up. Afterwards, Mike has been getting a lot of acquaintances telling Mike she cheated while they were together, but neither Mike or I cared by the time it was figured out.
The week after they broke up Mike and I had been planning to do a boat day to chill and enjoy our birthday. We had too many people, so the original plan (prior to the breakup)
Another mutual acquaintance of Mike and I’s initially was supposed to meet up with us (call him James) at the sandbar, and since we couldn’t all (me and all of my fiancé’s friends) fit on Mike’s boat we decided me, my fiancée and her friends (of which Brit was invited) we were going to go on James’ boat. However apparently it wasn’t communicated (my fault I own that) that this was a joint birthday, but to clarify we were going to a sandbar and they didn’t have to hang with Mike if they didn’t want to.
Anyway, the day before our little boat day it was determined that it was going to be pretty cold and James no longer wanted to go. Then when we realized no one knew it was a joint birthday we clarified and none of my fiancée’s friends wanted to go. Fine. But it was my birthday so with just us two we had space on Mike’s boat. We went on Mike’s boat and because of the friend group overlap Brit ultimately saw snaps of our boat day.
Brit really got onto my fiancé after claiming my fiancé was a shitty friend for going on the boat or for hanging out with Mike at all despite that she was there for me. She said it was unacceptable and that it was a girl code violation and that she felt like we were hanging with him behind her back because she wasn’t told this was going to happen. Brit took the position that Mike was using me to get to her, and Brit told my Fiancé that if she was a good friend she wouldn’t hang with Mike at all under any circumstances.
Ultimately I told my Fiancé that I don’t allow other people to decide who I hang with, and that I refuse to allow another person to decide whether I can bring my Fiancé around my friends. They continued to fight about it and made up, and ultimately Brit told my Fiance to just “be honest about plans” (that’s a quote from her texts)
Then we bought a house and really have been hermits for the past few months juggling moving, renovating, and our jobs. My Fiancé’s job basically became a slavery and the combination has already put a big strain on our relationship. We basically haven’t been hanging with anyone during this time, aside from a few times, and Mike let me borrow some tools and his truck for the move.
Now we’re almost moved, but my fiancé’s job went in that time from Thursday and Sunday’s off to only Thursday’s and every other Sunday, to basically only every other Sunday off, and each day she worked she worked from 8Am-8:30AM pure as an overtime exempt employee.
So Friday she got called into management because even with all this she wasn’t “performing” well enough and she resigned effective at the end of her day. She’s very burnt out, but I got an offer from Mike at about 6:30 to go on the boat and asked my fiancé if she wanted to go on Mikes boat on Saturday and she said yes.
We got out to Mikes on Saturday and my fiancé messaged Brit to let her know (as requested) that we were going on the boat. Again, Brit went off on her. Brit took the position that I was purposely keeping my friendship with Mike to put a rift between Brit and my fiancé, and that there were “plenty of other things we could have done as a couple other than going on her ex’s boat.” And that no one asked my fiance to tell her that we were hanging with her Ex.
Fact is, I really feel awful for my fiancé, but I’m really angry and frustrated because I feel like Brit is trying to cause tension in our relationship and trying to control and decide who I can and cannot be friends with by making it where if I want to hang with my friend I have to do it without my Fiancé. Personally I would have cut off a friend like that but I don’t want to tell her to do that. My Fiance is really close with Brit and they used to be roommates and have been friends for 5-6 years now.
My Fiance has told me she feels so aweful she can’t even enjoy being on Mike’s boat anymore because she knows that Brit is going to say aweful things about her in her friend group and twist the facts to make it look like she’s a bad friend and that she doesn’t have the emotional energy to fight this fight.
I have taken the position that my fiance can choose not to hang out with Mike and I to avoid additional conflict (but that it will upset me), but that she is not allowed to make that the official position to Brit, and that I will not change whether I am friends with Mike, what I invite Mike to (say dinner or elsewhere). I do not want to create a precedent that Brit gets to decide how I live my life by manipulating my fiance.
Am I the Asshole here for not letting my partner just say she isn’t going to hang with Mike under any circumstances anymore?
Am I the asshole for keeping Mike as a friend when I met him through Brit after he and Brit broke up?
Am I the asshole for inviting my partner to things Mike invites me to?