u/AlmstInstantVictoria

As a kid, I knew there was something different about me. I’m sure like many of you also felt all this way. Like there was no way there was anyone else like me. I didn’t feel unique, I felt like I was all alone in a world that not only could not understand me, but hated who I was.

Fast forward a bunch of trauma, many decades of self hatred, a few hundred moments of hiding who I was, until finally a glimmer of light appeared. I saw someone else who looked like they did it, they were just women living their lives. They transitioned and just existed and continued living their life as the women they were. Visibility matters. The two women I’m referring to went out on a limb and showed others, like me, that there was a possible path forward for me.

So I risked it all, not knowing how it would end, putting it all down, I was all in and my cards weren’t great. I was older, 44 to be exact, balding, tall, muscular, and living a life that felt like a very long job interview where I was pretending to be this guy everyone wanted me to be.
Still even in those early days, although I knew there were other girls like me, I still felt isolated and alone.
Eventually I found friends, even a few amazing transgirls who made me realize how maybe just maybe, I was not alone as I originally thought.

Then, I started helping other girls and listening to their stories. Hundreds, and likely thousands at this point. The exact circumstances of everyone’s story is different but the veins of similarity have become abundantly clear. How could that be by pure chance? Different countries, society, upbringing, genetics, socioeconomic status, race, age etc.

These days, I don’t feel so alone anymore. I have a vibrant community of friends, so many other girls like me who see me and are seen by me, a partner that I know deep down sees me in a way I’ve never been seen, never been loved, and never loved back. Life is good, but the price was steep.

I’ve heard so many transwomen tell me they struggle with self love. They have spent so many years doubting and feeling the weight of a world that hates them. But it is only self love that allows someone to do this. To risk it all to be real.

I talk to a lot of transwomen. Like thousands upon thousands over the years. Putting a little bit of good energy into the world is never a bad thing imho.
I’ve heard so many of them say how right before coming out and transitioning, they would attempt one last ditch effort by trying to do “man” and wear the mask one last time. For their partners sake. Or maybe it was the kids. Or their parents. Or maybe just to fit in. Maybe it was to join the Marines. Or become a bodybuilder. Possibly eat themselves into near oblivion. Or possibly, they would become a republican. lol.
Invariably, this last ditch effort to fit in just left us even more depressed or suicidal. Then came the reckoning of facing the truth. Regardless of the cost, we decided to finally take that step towards authenticity. It was hard. And that precious sentence is a massive understatement. lol. It was damn near impossible. Yet somehow, unbeknownst to us, we made it through to the other side. And somehow, not only did we find ourselves and self love and happiness, we also found out that this was the path all along.
But what nobody tells you at the onset, is that it’s even harder than you thought initially. But it is also infinitely more rewarding. The light behind our eyes finally lit up, the feeling of real love, self love and love of others woke up, and now allows us a vulnerability that we did not know existed before we crossed over towards the real person we were always meant to become.
We look back and shake our heard in disbelief. How the hell did we survive? How? Could we do it again? No fricking way. lol. We must’ve been crazy to do it. How did we pull it off? Maybe it was because there was no other choice. Maybe it was because it was the only way forward.
There is a cost to being real. You get to see how everyone else exists with their heads in the sand, pretending to be someone or something they’re not. It is simultaneously sad and pathetic watching everyone else pretend while we live as authentically as possible.
Then it hits you. You can’t even be around those who can’t be themselves. It’s their lack of authenticity that repels us.
If you’re one of us, happy to have you.