AITAH for spending my birthday with my husband's family instead of my own?
I recently celebrated my 39th birthday. Several months back, my husband, 38, received a gift certificate from work for one night stay in a hotel. We couldn't find the right time to use it I suggested to my husband to use it for my birthday. Just us with our 2 daughters ages 4 and 1.5. The hotel is a little over an hour drive from our home. My birthday came and it started great. My parents and friends greeted me on social media. We went to the hotel early ahead of the check-in time to leave our stuff then we went out immediately to eat lunch. The hotel is just a walking distance from a high-end food district where we usually go for my husband's family occasions. After we ate lunch, we then proceeded to check-in and we rested as it was the kids' nap time as well. During this time, I suggested to my husband to invite his family to have dinner with us for dinner. We agreed to meet by 530pm after we take the kids swimming in the hotel pool.
A week prior to my birthday, we visited my parent's house about 2 hours drive from our home. I am a middle child and both my sibling are working abroad. I have a niece staying with my parents but she is a college student so she is either busy and or just sleeping. My mother is very thoughtful and caring but is also very sensitive and insecure. My father is usually understanding but very opinionated and I guess has gotten sensitive as he gets older. I love both of them but sometimes I need to endure their ways specially I am the only one that can take care of them in the country. I always make sure to celebrate and treat them for family occasions which I shoulder alone most of the time. My mother asked the plan for my birthday and I said we will just be staying in the hotel. She did not comment anything then. I was planning to celebrate with them the next weekend. This is not the first time that I spent my exact birthday without my parents. I have also spent one birthday with both my parents and my husband's family together. But this is the first time that I spent it with my husband's family.
I have a very good relationship with my husband's family. I love them as my own family. My husband is the only son and the youngest among 5 siblings. I love having conversations with them whenever we get together once or twice a month. It's like having conversations with your friends. One of my SIL also have a 2yo daughter and my kids loves playing with her. They also live just 30mins from the hotel. One of my BIL (husband of my SIL) also had his birthday a few days ago that is why I suggested to invite them. We usually treat the family together and split the cost. As usual, we had fun during the dinner. My husband took a photo and posted it in his social media. My in-laws went home and we (me, husband and the kids) went back to the hotel to sleep. We continued the vacation the next day and enjoyed the buffet breakfast and another round of swim in the Hotel's pool then checked-out by noon.
My parents saw my husband's post early in the morning and they immediately became mad and sent foul messages to me. They assumed that I was dishonest saying that I did not tell them that my in-laws will be staying with us in the hotels and they weren't even invited. As additional context, I have previously invited my parents in the same area for dinner on several occasions but they always refuse saying it is too far and they do not know how to go there. (The area is somewhere in the middle between our house and my parent's house, and my niece can also help with using navigation apps.) With them always refusing in the past, I did not anymore invite them to join us for dinner. Also, we only decided to invite my in-laws 2 hours before we agreed to meet and thought it was too short of notice for them.
They also said that I did not even bother sending money for them to buy food to celebrate by themselves. Apparently, they were waiting all they for me to send money so my mother did not even bother cooking and so they got hungry and just ate some leftover food from the fridge. I responded with a question "So you just want money from me instead of waiting for us to celebrate together?"
My father also said in his message to me that I belittle them and the reason I did not invite them is because I am shamed of them. I AM NOT. Apparently, they were thinking that my in-laws are rich and have a big house. They are not. My inlaw's house is an 80yo ancestral house but nothing grand and has so may issues as my FIL refuses to change/upgrade anything from the house. My parent's house is bigger and more modern, and they have more income from small businesses. My husband's family eat out often and goes vacation from time to time. They can afford it because all the children (+the spouses) are working and all chip in. Whereas my parents (and niece) seldomly go to vacations because that would mean I solely have to shoulder all the expenses which I really cannot afford. My siblings do not even bother to share.
I told in my response to my father that I am hurt that they are thinking of me that way and that they should have just let me have a peaceful birthday instead of the drama they have caused. I told my husband everything and he is not hesitant to visit my parents anymore again. I believe I was able to voice our my thoughts and answer their allegations to me in a polite manner.
They did not respond to my message. No communication at all. Mother's day came a few weeks after and I invited them for lunch. I thought it would just worsen the situation if I didn't. We met and all of us just pretended that nothing happened. I am not a confrontational person so that is just what I really hoped for.
So, AITAH for celebrating my birthday with my in-laws instead of my own parents?