Deep fear of medications
I am to the point I dont feel comfortable with any pill, even when I know they can help.
At about 8 years old I became a medical test dummy. Being fed adult doses of multiple counteracting drug cocktails by a pedo doctor that has since lost his license and spent time in jail. Just to put into perspective one of my papers shows the medications I was on at the age of 9.
Ritalin 40mg SR plus 10mg at about 4pm
Prozac 40mg once a day
Clonidine .3mg "tld" (whatever that means)
Respiradol 1/2 mg "b.i.d" (don't know what that means either)
The note in question was talking about how I had gained 4kg in 2 months. How my major symptom at the time was hyperactivity, and he was going to increase my dose of ritalin to 60mg SR plus 20mg at 4pm.
I feel this doctor has had a massive negative impact on my life. From the outrageous levels of drugs he had me on, to his unwarranted "genital exams" that landed him in jail and cost him his license... they have left permanent effects.
I have had unexplainable pains for years, that I am now able to connect to stress, anxiety, and ultimately childhood trauma from that time period. For the longest time I was convinced I had cancer or some illness they couldn't find.
I now have serious issues with pills. I dont even like taking Tylenol. I am able to push past that at some points. At certain times I have given into the pressure. Knowing I was not mentally well. I would accept medication. But its always been temporary, and when I feel I've got my mind back together I stop taking the meds and push through the withdrawl.
The random pains are to a crazy point. I initially reached out to a lawyer about this whole situation about a year ago. I have years of documented medical evidence showing unexplainable pains. And so much of what I experience lines up with trauma. The lawyers took this extremely serious. And do think I have a case for medical malpractice. The doses cannot be justified and other notes even have other doctors calling it out. But opening up about all this caused me to shut down. I avoided anything even remotely stressful and ended up losing everything again. Ive been dead to the world for months now. Alienated, and not handling the essentials.
Im just barely getting my head back together now. I really need these pains to stop and to be able to concentrate. My therapist prescribed me this vortioxetine stuff and I cant bring myself to take one. My distrust has built to a point the fear of side effects, and having to switch to something else if it doesn't work keeps me from moving forward. My mind just keeps telling me its a trap. You should know better by now. But this also isnt gonna disappear without treatment.