It's 0036
And I can't sleep... Diary, a lot has happened since the last time I wrote in you. I lost a job, struggled for months to find another. Was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, and have been working on making changes. Ex and I still live together. Some days are easier than others, but I am still struggling with it.
I still, after all these months, don't have a clue on how to become a better version of me. I am sad all the time. Lonely. No luck with therapy... Just, tired. My new job allows my brain to shut down for a bit, but then I come back home and just lock myself in my room.
I acknowledge, and understand, that I am the cause for a lot of trauma, that my ex has. When we talk, she has mentioned that she would love to be with me again, because she still loves me, but not as who we are currently, and I get that. She is working on her, and I need to focus on me; but I can't. I'm struggling with that HARD.
I want to break old, controlling habits. My own trauma. It affected us. Not as an excuse, but as a reality. I know it and own it, and I'm tired of it. Even saying all this here, I just want to scrap it all and just.... Idk. I know she's struggling too. We argued today a little. The past was brought up and how much I need to change. How much work I need to do.... It sucks. Knowing that I am the biggest issue. It was never my intentions, but I ate myself alive.
I used to see my step dad's and my mom argue alot. Therapy told me that that is part of why I am who I am now. The yelling and screaming. So many things. I have so many insecurities due to past relationships that still affect me today, and have definitely hurt this relationship. I am reminded of it, constantly. I am told that I hate hearing it. That I hate accountability. Why? How could I not hold myself accountable when I know that I hurt someone? I see it. I know it and acknowledge it and hate every bit of myself for it.
So, Diary, what do I do? How do I begin to become a "better" me? How do I heal, so that I can prove that I am not this... Monster?