What do I do
I can't really think clearly. By now, I know myself and I know that all I do is make bad decisions. I feel so alone right now.
My mental health is really bad. Like last year I was so anxious I didn't leave my apartment for 3 months. For the past couple years since I don't leave the house, I always have near 0$ in my bank accounts so I have lost a lot of weight like under 100lbs. I am always hungry. I can't pay rent. I destroyed my body doing this like since i'm hypermobile becoming weak like this means that im always in chronic pain. I am always so stressed because having no money and no food and being on the verge of homelessness constantly is hell. I thought I would get better, but It hasn't. I mean it got a little better since I started living with my brother. At least I've been able to eat 2 meals a day and gain back some weight and not be in pain anymore. I do doordash and I got a temp job but it didn't last long since they didn't need anyone and I lost my momentum. I applied for jobs but it took so long to hear back and by the time I've heard back, I was back to being a hermit, too anxious to leave the house or interact. I've isolated myself. But I managed to doordash to get the bare minimum but now not even and I owe my brother a couple months rent. I still can barely manage to leave the apartment. I ran out of food and I have 5$ to my name. My car won't start so I can't doordash. My insurance needs me to pay 700 in like 3 weeks because I missed 2 paiements. I am cooked again. Hungry again. Isolated again. I told myself I would never let it go there again. That I would at least not let myself go hungry and in pain because sometimes it feels like torture but I did. I fail everytime. And it's not a life i've been living these past years. Actually I think my life has sucked probably always idk.
I had made a plan. I was going to to a paid clinical trial that paid 15k$ then pay my debts, enlist in the reseve army and go back to uni. But now I feel completely stuck again. And I just can't keep living like this. At first I was too scared to do those clinical trial things but I told myself It doesn't matter because I'd rather die than keep living this way. But I called today and turns out my bmi is too underweight to be part of the study anymore. Now I went to doordash to get some food but my car didn't start so I can't even make any money, my plan is gone. And I still feel the same way. I'd rather be gone than continue this way. And i'm just being pragmatic at this point, i'm nothing but a burden and a worry to others. It would be better for everyone involved if I was just gone. I am trying to find another way. If anyone has an idea of what else I can do that would really help because I really don't know and it seems like my only choice here. Honestly, I know people will tell me that it gets better or that there's so much to live for, but that's just not the truth for everyone. There's no way you can live like a vermin like I did, eating peanut butter from a spoon for a week, too scared to go out, watching your body deteriorate and know it's all your fault and think there's a reason to keep going. I was so excited about the plan. I wanted to get stronger. Have savings for the first time in my life and I especially wanted to go back to school. Maybe even travel for the first time in life. I really thought this time that I would dig myself out of this hole and start living for the first time in my life but I'm back at square 0, losing weight by the day when I already have no fat so basically watching my body eat at my bones. People say that people like me are lazy and that when we're hungry we'll snap out of it, but I am and I can't and I feel so powerless. I used to be athletic, people used to say they would see me at the olympics one day... Now look at me. I am so ashamed to write here even if it's anonymous, but I am completely defeated, I really need the advice. I think I would even do sex work even tho im a virging if I have to.. I am so tired.