u/Alt_account_bc_yeah

Our protector/co-host, Vi 🌸, is tired anytime she fronts; yawning all the time, wanting to close her eyes, the need to rest, the whole shebang. I’ve noticed before that she tended to be tired (hell it’s kinda one of the ways we identified her in the first place) but I can’t help but wonder why she is?? Her answer just kinda is a “idk I guess I’m just like that” but surely there’s another explanation? Does anyone else have alters that seem to be completely sapped of energy but only when they’re fronting?

-👾 (still don’t have a name yet sry)

Vi here. Apologies for the slight incoherency, I think 👾 wants to front too.

Finally started being more honest, even though I was fucking terrified. I started really being honest about “me changing” and it lead to me taking the opportunity to introduce Kly. I know I should’ve introduced myself first, but not only is she (my therapist) really unlikely to meet him (idk what he does during therapy or nowadays, I don’t see him as often anymore but I know he’s here) but also because it felt safer to introduce someone else first. I think he’s kinda miffed but things went well so I don’t think he’s really mad at me.

Introducing myself was so strange. I’ve finally noticed that, for some reason, whenever I front I’m just exhausted all the time and I don’t really understand why. I do remember feeling like a weight was off my shoulders the moment I just let it out that I’m Vi, that’s who I am right now. It felt like I was finally being honest, which was nice (if a little terrifying)

I swore I had more to say but it’s getting hard to think, so I’m just going to leave this here as an accomplishment documentation. I’m happy, though still nervous as hell.

• Vi 🌸 (and 👾 just a little)

Still can’t really think + immense struggle in articulating myself rn but I wanna see if this is a common experience or not.

What I mean is that I know things happened, I know that they happened and when, but I have ZERO memories nor emotions tied to it, only the knowledge that yeah, that happened. I sometimes know why, I sometimes know when, I sometimes know how, but only sometimes and it always feels like I’m being told “yeah that happened, I did that” instead of going “oh yeah we already did that” and I don’t know why it’s suddenly so distressing all the sudden.

(Small vent sry)

This shit is getting way too real lmao. While I believed before, it was in a way that felt acceptable? Like I could put it away and be done with it, like I was just pretending, but now I feel like I was only using that as a coping mechanism because I don’t know if it’s fake anymore and it’s scaring the shit out of me. I don’t know how much is real or how much is in my head and I’ve been struggling ever since I started therapy. I can’t draw, I can’t write- I’ve never felt so different before, even through all of my “changes” and “different me’s” and it’s fucking scary. I don’t know what to do with all this fear because even saying it’s present somehow feels like I’m proving it’s not real??? Idk my brain hurts

I’m probably overreacting because I’m kinda panicked rn but I don’t know how to (sanely) communicate to my mom that I don’t want her relaying anything about me to my sister, ANYTHING.

I had this worry once before when she’d do things and I’d vent to mom about how annoying it was, only for her to suddenly be super accommodating and not doing that annoying thing despite the fact I never told her that. When I confronted my mom she told me she didn’t but then asked “well how do you expect the problem to be solved?” Which I didn’t really question at the time. It hadn’t been that big of a deal but now it’s bothering me again because my sister is now knowing certain things I didn’t tell her or at least I think I didn’t tell her. It hasn’t been big issues so far, just a “oh OP were told this” or “OP knows that” but it still feels weirdly invasive??? I know I’m being dramatic but I fear that if I give an inch she’ll take a mile.

How do I tell my mom to not communicate anything about me to my sister without sounding like I’m being paranoid? She doesn’t really downplay my issues but I don’t think she really gets why I’m so afraid sometimes. I don’t want her to go “oh OP is being paranoid time to fix that” and ignore everything else, I just want to feel secure. Any advice?

Therapy’s been going okay. Currently I’m a little scattered and can’t actually remember a lot of it (doubt and probs other stuff have been kicking my ASS as of late) but I do remember that any time she calls us by our legal name it just kinda bothers us.

Note that we still go by this legal name, still introduce ourselves by it (in real life. Online I got by my “actual” name and I like it that way) and I don’t have any intentions of changing my legal name. I thought that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad but damn, during those sessions it really takes me out and makes me feel uncomfortable, like I’m giving her the “facade” rather than the actual me, but I’m also afraid that if I tell her about my “real” name then- idk actually, it just feels like a bad idea, like I’ll somehow fuck it all up.

I have no clue whether she really thinks I’m a system or not because she’s using some of the terminology she’s not outright saying it out loud, and I don’t actually have a huge issue with it. I think if she did say it out loud I’d get fucking scared. This shit is scary enough as is and I don’t know how to feel, so maybe she’s trying to warm me up to the idea? I keep going in thinking “okay I’m just gonna rip the bandaid off and ask” but then I don’t because I just gotta “trust the process” which is getting really annoying. Anyways should I or should I not? Like, what could be the potential downsides of going “hey I don’t go by this anymore, I actually go by this”?

• Kly 📌 or 👾(unnamed as of now I think)

Just got out of a therapy session and while this wasn’t what it was about, I find myself wanting to talk about it. Sry is this is disorganized as hell, I’m struggling to think on my own.

TW: lots of gendered language talk and maybe some internalized transphobia. Please call me out on it, I do not want to be transphobic. Also talks about genitalia but not in a sexual manner

While I’m not diagnosed, I think I have a vague understanding of my system, if I even have one? There’s only 3 that come to mind rn: a boy, a girl, and a fem leaning but kinda nonbinary girl?? The guy himself identifies as a boy but doesn’t really care that we have a vagina and often relates to content with trans men (though I’m not exactly sure we’d fall under the trans label), but I think there’s been an issue with our chest?? The third doesn’t really care for gender in general but doesn’t see herself with a chest, but the girl (maybe me rn idk) is very feminine.

How can one feel dysphoria in both ways? Sometimes I’m too masculine looking for my liking, yet the moment I’m told I’m not masculine looking it’s an issue?? Yet it’s also an issue that I look too feminine, but I also don’t look feminine enough?? I can’t even feel good being androgynous because I can’t see if I actually am androgynous. My chest is also a point of slight contention because it feels like either “proof” (It’s not really proof- breasts ≠ being a woman) of our “womanhood” yet it’s also not enough?? It’s in a weird place where it’s both proof and a burden, but never something we hate? It’s just there and sometimes it’s mine and other times it’s something I just have and it’s kinda cool. I don’t feel any hatred towards them, just this sort of faint acknowledgement.

Weirdly, we don’t have an issue with having a vagina. Our boy just says “T-boy swag” and accepts that it’s gonna be like that + he’s a man no matter what’s in his pants. Our Demigirl(?) is also neutral on the matter because I just don’t think she really cares. But our girl/me(?) Is frustrated but for other reasons I won’t get into. It’s all too much yet never enough, but I can’t say I’m comfortable going under the “genderfluid” label because I don’t ever think I’m really going to stop presenting as fem or with only she/her pronouns.

Is this normal? like, all this conflict of interest yet no want to change it? I don’t really know what to do about it all, especially cuz I feel like I’m too biased myself to say anything.

I thought progress was being made, but everything has been fucking awful lately: too many conflicting wants, the deep shame, the urge to hide, the gaps in memory- I’m losing weeks again. Things that happened only a week ago feel like months. Nothing is good but everything is needed, I both need to exist and cannot at the same time. I want something to fill my mind but it’s all too stressful.

This isn’t fair, it just isn’t fucking fair. We were doing better!! We were doing good!! Why is making progress hurting us?! This should be helping!! But all we are is confused and miserable, losing time and feeling like a zombie. Time doesn’t feel real, our body doesn’t feel real, nothing does and it’s all wrong, it’s just wrong!!

I hate it all. I don’t know how to manage everything yet, don’t know how to help with the barriers between us, don’t know how to peer through. All voices just seem to muffle yet echo and it’s just feelings I’m left with, feelings that don’t make any sense and that I struggle to process, feelings that clash with reality yet persist. I hate it so much.

Sometimes I wish I’d never been aware, that I’d let it go and didn’t delve deeper. I feel like I’m not actually helping myself, just re-traumatizing myself. I don’t know if I’ll remember making this post later. I looked at our journey and the last entry I didn’t remember making at all, which fucking scares me. I’m so tired.

Vi here. My head’s a little fuzzy atm (probably because we’re no longer in the therapy meeting) so I’m not as secure in my position as I was just a few minutes ago, but I’ll talk anyway.

During the session, I think I properly met another alter, specifically an ex-host from when we were in middle school. I’m going to be honest: I thought she was gone. I thought everyone was gone, that they’d left when we were in more doubt. It’s stupid, but it never occurred to me that we aren’t just all introduced to each other via existing, we have to actually be aware of one another.

She was scared and I hadn’t meant to make her feel that. I apologized and I think she accepted it, maybe feels more comfortable around me. I now think I’m a protector of some kind? I don’t want anyone getting hurt, especially not our ex-hosts from elementary to middle school as they’re littles (A little older than the typical little but littles nonetheless). I don’t really know what this means but I didn’t expect progress like this so suddenly. I’ll admit, I’m a little afraid of what will happen if it stays at this pace or slows down, though I suppose worrying about stuff like that won’t really do me any good.

I’ve written it all down and reflected on it, but am feeling a little ill now. I don’t know what that means either but this feels big and I don’t want to forget about it.

• Vi 🌸

It happened again, just this morning. It was a masculine voice but not the same I heard the other day, and for the love of god I can’t remember what he said as I fell asleep not too long after. It’s always when I’m in my bed, when it’s just me and my brain.

It’s weird thinking about it because I know it happened but everything suddenly gets so cloudy when I try to think about it, so quiet yet so loud but I don’t know which thought is my own. I feel like I’m going crazy but I’ve been documenting it all and am gonna tell my therapist tomorrow. Hopefully that’ll help but this process is kind of terrifying. I don’t feel secure at all, like I’m being kept in the dark and I don’t know why. It kinda hurts my feelings but i also get it?? I don’t think I’m being the most kind, but I’m trying- it’s just super overwhelming and I can’t help but be defensive.

Idk I just feel so weird. Can’t tell who I am anymore and don’t know who anyone is. I think Vi and Kly are still here and maybe someone else but I don’t know anymore, I just don’t know. This is getting real and it’s fucking terrifying.

• ?

Things have been weird and I won’t lie, it’s been constant denial or just ignoring everything osdd/did relayed for the past several days because we’re struggling to think. It’s been hard to articulate anything, weirdly so, like I can’t trust a single word out of my mouth.

This morning I heard two distinct voices, one of the little boy and the other of an older man with a deep voice. I can’t remember what they were talking about because I’d been trying to fall back asleep and wanted everyone to be quiet, but there seemed to be some kind of fuckin’ convo going or. At one point someone just said the word “rape”, like just standalone, no real emotions behind it. I just responded by going “is bad I agree I want to sleep now” and I think things settled?? Now that I’m talking about it, the details are fading and now I’m just wondering what the fuck happened.

It wasn’t like an auditory hallucination, it didn’t sound like it was coming from anywhere that wasn’t my mind. It’s not the first time I’ve had distinct voices like that but that was a while ago, so it’s kinda weird that’s it happening now. Like, why only when I’m in bed? Why when I’m trying to fall back asleep? Why that word?

Idk, maybe it’s a hallucination, maybe a dream. I’ve been so fucking tired and distant from my own self these past few days and I’d be inclined to blame psm but I’ve never gotten it this bad before, but I know stress and diet can make it fluctuate or whatever. Might sleep now because I just don’t know what else to do.

Things have been weird as of late. It’s like we can’t think or talk- I don’t trust my words and my thoughts keep echoing, like someone is behind me repeating my words to someone else and it’s really pissing me off. It’s making it hard to think

Shockingly so. I was so fucking nervous and yet everything seemed to go so well, almost too well. A follow up will have to be arranged for me to ask her some questions but I felt listened to. I was more honest then I’d thought I’d be, and though I’m still struggling with identifying who is who again rn but I felt so seen and I’d never really felt that before.

Weirdly enough, I thought I needed to make an active effort to avoid saying osdd or did, but when asked I found myself being unable to actually say it. It all felt real, more real than ever, and suddenly it’s like it hit me of how scary it all is. It’s so much easier when I force it all into a daydream, make it something that can be controlled, something only our eyes can see, but the moment there’s a chance we can actually be perceived- it was terrifying.

I thought we wanted to be seen, that I wanted to be seen, but maybe I only wanted to be seen in a certain way? In a certain light? In a way I could control, whoever I am? Is this doubt or reality? I want to say my head hurts, but it doesn’t physically hurt, just feels a little off.

I wonder who we all are, what we all are. I (whoever I am) only really know Kly and Vi, and I’m not entirely sure if everyone from before is still here or if they’ve “moved on” in a sense. I hope they haven’t, I’ll miss them. I miss our caretaker/therapist alter- I don’t know if she’s still here and just being more quiet or if she’s dormant after so much denial. I miss her

Sorry for the pity party on what was meant to be a success post. I’m gonna think of some questions to ask and get my schedule in order. I’m seeing now that there’s a huge positive to online therapy and it’s the fact that in-person scheduling isn’t a problem, which rocks.

• Maybe Vi? Idk rn

I managed to actually get a consultation with someone who specializes in a lot but also osdd/did. It’ll be online but fuck it, beggars can’t be choosers.

Tf do I say tho?

I know what I kinda want to say; I’m not gonna outright go “I think I have osdd or did” because we recently (past few years) learned that apparently, that’s a bad thing and makes people not believe you, even if you have evidence or literal proof. Something along the lines of “I’ve never felt like myself, or that ‘myself’ always changed” or something equally as vague and mysterious. I guess I just worry that we’ll be too vague? Or really just be avoidant- super big issue for us rn, particularly me but I’m trying to learn and be better! I’m trying at least. Doubt has been a motherfucker these past few days and only now do I really feel distinct again so I don’t know where I’ve made progress or someone else did, if that makes sense.

How should we approach this? Should we be more upfront or try a more slower approach? I know the latter is probs best but it just seems like the more time I spend not running towards the goal is time spent planning to hide from it, if that makes sense. I’m nervous about fucking it all up (if I’m the one fronting and not Vi, though she’s def watching over my shoulder rn or at least I think) and I don’t want to ruin this chance, I don’t want to be ignorant. This could help us so much, even if we don’t have osdd or something because at least then we’d be getting help. I don’t wanna screw this up, I really don’t.

Any advice on how to approach this? What to say or to avoid saying? Any way to soothe my nerves and stop being such a little bitch? Any help is appreciated, really appreciated. I’m lucky we ever even got this opportunity again and I don’t wanna fuck it up.

• Klyde 📌 (can’t decide between Kly or Klyde + some help from Vi 🌸 to keep me on track)

Reached out to a specialist and waiting to hear back. It’ll be online with maybe some in-person appointments occasionally due to the distance. Now that everything seems to be in order, all I can think about it whether I’m wrong.

If I’m wrong, then I would’ve been living a practical delusion for years at this point, built up emotional connections with no one and instead just got parasocially attached to a figure in my head. I will have been all alone this entire time. I would’ve entered spaces not for me and then acted like I understood anything, doing god knows what damage. I would loose so much trust within myself because I spent so much time advocating for something only to be wrong, which then makes me question how many other things were wrong. I wouldn’t be able to trust myself anymore.

I know I’m agonizing over a possibility- a distant one at that- but I don’t want to have ended up wasting someone’s time, using up time that should’ve been spent with someone else, taking up spaces I don’t belong and using labels that I don’t deserve. I want to think I’ve been objective, that I have evidence, but what if I’m just twisting it all to my favor? What if I’m just trying to justify my turbulent feelings and mental health via something that just tells me I was “broken” to begin with? What if it’s all just for attention?

Writing it all out it seems both silly and like a conformation, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t trust my head, don’t trust my thoughts, don’t trust my feelings or memories and am just stuck with the knowledge that I remembered that I remembered something, that I knew something but now only know that I knew. I don’t even think I’m making sense, but I guess shouting into the void will help. I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m constantly faking everything, like I’m an imposter, and only able to really acknowledge my own struggles when I’m teetering on the edge of a breakdown. I just want to feel comfort.