u/Alt_account_bc_yeah

I make fan fiction, so I guess I’m not much of a writer, but Christ I’ve been struggling as of late. I’m sorry if this isn’t osdd related (I’ll delete my post if so)

It feels like a constant revision, like I need to re introduce myself to what I know I wrote only last night. I’ve had moments where there were details or even entire paragraphs I don’t remember writing, which isn’t exactly normal for me/us, who seems to have more emotional amnesia(?) but it’s been kinda exhausting. I mean, I know a good amount of the struggle is normal writing shit, but it feels like I’m always shifting here and there without realizing. It feels like my writing style keeps changing too, or maybe it’s not?? I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Once again, sorry if this isn’t osdd related. I think we’ve been having problems + I might be a new host? I don’t think I’m the same one from Highschool. I don’t know when I showed up but I think I’m a host now?? I’m so confused and tired. Sorry for the vent.

• Violet

Don’t know who I am, don’t know what’s happening, don’t know who’s who or if anyone is even there. I can’t tell what I’m making up. My memories are becoming “remembering that I remembered something” rather than actually remember anything and I don’t know who to talk to about this.

Gonna try looking at online therapy because it might be my last resort at this point. Thankfully our wifi is pretty good now so that’s not an issue, but I have a terrible habit of masking when on online therapy instead of in person. Feels like I have to be performative because it’s online, that I have to be “fake” or just a little distant, like I’m more than willing to take advantage of the wall to not talk about stuff. In person? Don’t really do that. I can’t really hide it all that well and I just feel kinda safer doing so? But now it’s the process of finding a place to trust, finding a therapist and/or psychiatrist I vibe with, and actually making the commitment. I’m just afraid, very afraid. I don’t feel whole, but I’m not sure if it’s my own voice echoing in my head or someone else’s. I don’t know if my changing emotions are because I compartmentalize or something else. I don’t know if I’m just experiencing normal derealization or if it means something. I’m getting tired of it all and just want answers, or at least validation.

• ???