Im having a hard time coming to terms with my past relationship being “abusive”
For some context, Im 21 (Female), my now ex (27 male). We met in university working the same on campus job. We started off as friends for around 8-9 months and then very naturally slipped into a relationship because of how authentic and natural everything felt with us. We had a very rough month of constantly fighting and it escalating, which eventually led to the breakup. That particular month was emotionally abusive for sure, i was able to identity and call it exactly how i saw it. Since then I have started counselling, and my counsellor is telling me the relationship itself was emotionally abusive, and that part im having a hard time coming to terms with.
In the beginning, i was very unsure of what our future would look like because he was graduating from his masters program and i was only in my 2nd year of undergrad. That part is the first redflag my counsellor pointed out. Because I was 19 when we met and became friends and he was 26, she says that there was gromming involved. Before we started dating, i dont think I was being “groomed”. But after we did, i can see how that would objectively make sense because of the power dynamic. he would give me a lot of career and life advice that i genuinely looked up to. At this point of my life i wasnt the best student, and he pushed me to do better. He would talk about the fututre and bring up certain lifestyle standards that he had for himself and was also telling me to have high standards and share that vision with him. At that time, i valued advice like that. I actually think it pushed me to be a better student, live a healthier lifestyle, start going to the gym. These are all positive changes I’ve noticed in my life. However, if i missed gym or slacked off, he would be sure to call me out. Or if i ate “unhealthy” he would point out that it would give me ugly acne (his words not mine). Comments like that made me completely stop buying any snacks that werent 100% organic, and because i was (and still am) on a student budget that made me cut out snacking totally because organic food is more expensive. Food that i used to enjoy or snacks that i liked i would completely avoid. The point is that I feel like he wanted to be the person HE wanted me to be rather than asking me that questions and motivating me to become that. In the beginning of the relationship, he went through my phone entirely including search history, which he very openly told me. At the time, i didnt know how to feel about it. Now looking back, that was weird.
He also made comments about my glasses or clothes. Telling me my glasses dont look good on me…. a lot, and now i dont like how i look with my glasses at all. He called me clothes cheap looking because they were from shein. And pointed out clothes of mine that he didnt like or shoes of mine or my glasses. Just bunch of stuff. Again this was said enough amount of times for it to stick. I dont have a bad sense of style. Since a young age my parents instilled the value of always looking presentable in my and my sister, so my clothes or how i dressed in generally was never shabby. Infact, i can confidently say i looked more “stylish” than him, but yes his clothes were better quality because he has a big boy job and can afford that.
When we fought, he would eventually shut me out. Leave the room, go to gym, go to bed, cut the phone call. And it would be dragged out until i gave in and spoke to him first. It would be unfair to him if i say i always was the one apologising, because he did apologise and reach out first sometimes. But most of the time it was me.
He also continently bought up any problems hes had with me when i bring up something about him. I used to constantly tell him “you take every suggestion as a personal attack”, I’ve said this soooo many times. Its not even an exaggeration. But it never registered to him. I suspect that maybe he was a narcissist. Because of he lived in his head a little bit, he had such a high regard of himself, thought people looked up to him, he had a persona around others, always wanted to be the most interesting person in the group or have the most to say, if someone had more to say than him or was “more interesting” he would give me his two cents about them in private.
We mutually discussed that neither of us wanted to end up like our parents and we wanted to break the cycle, during fights he would bring up the fact that my parents will never be good enough for him and then eventually say that no one and nothing will ever be good enough for me. That hurt, especially because it was said it couple of arguments.
His lack of EQ, led him to say many hurtful things during fights which afterwards he would say he didnt mean or i took it the wrong way. But i know exactly how i felt in the moment those words were said.
The last month of dating was the worst. It started off as a fight which led him telling me i was overreacting, having first world problems, acting immature, i was being toxic for being upset at him, shamed me for confiding in my bestfriends (the first time i ever did), told me that i was probably going through a rough time personally. All while not taking accountability. After shaming me, he went and spoke to his parents, friends, and even colleagues. From their conversations he concluded to me that he has worked too hard and worth to much to be begging anyone. That line hit me so hard, because i was the one hurting and all i wanted to hear was a “sorry, i’ll be better”, but all i was getting was deflection and yet i wanted to stay and fix the relationship because of the love i had. He even asked me if i was seeing or thinking about other people because Chatgpt told him that (wtf). At this point of the relationship, after the disrespect, deflection, lack of accountability, the only thing i had left for him was love and even that he doubted. The cherry on top, was him telling me to imagine if i died i would be alone becaue my family lives in another country, and no one would be able to see my body until rotten and decomposed, in the SAME conversation he was asking me to reconsider me breaking up with him because at that point i had enough. That was the day i shipped his things back to him because we were long distance, and he was telling me to return everything including all the gifts he gave me because i didnt deserve anything. He also cursed me to be in my small town for a long time. The next day, those messages were all deleted but the damage was already done. This is just a fraction of i what i went through for almost 30 days straight.
I am now 2 weeks no contact with him. And im definitely more at peace but I hate that all of this is making me question the love he even had for me. Was it all a mask? Because we did have good times in the 1.5 year rs, but was it even real if this is who he was. Was the relationship abusive all along? I am a believer that tough times expose people for who they are, and he should me exactly who he was that last month. I dont know if i this even makes sense, im just having midnight thoughts.