u/AlternativeWorth3037

i really thought i was doing better i was so happy for a while or as happy as i could be but im feeling so terrible again and ive just started to realize this really wont change
its been on my mind more lately i just wish sometimes i could swap my brain out for anothers so i wouldnt have to remember so much
its been so long too i think i dont really remember exactly but it feels like its been a while i just
i stopped caring and thinking about it fully for a while and suddenly its just back full force i just wanna be past this

i feel like im being haunted like oh my god why dont i deserve to stop thinking about it i feel guilty for unblocking him i feel disgusted for ever telling people what happened i finally brought myself to delete the screenshots knowing theres literally no purpose in me keeping them since ill never actually try to go to the cops or whatever
i feel so far away and so close to it at the same time its gonna be the 2 year anniversary somewhat soon i just wanna be happy i wish i was doing better mentally but i know i never will
i dont even know what to feel anymore
ive tried so so so hard and people will never let me let go of it its always my fault i wish i never told anyone

i doubt he knows tbh and im not gonna reach out but i dont know why my first instinct when things are doing bad is to run back to him
i still feel so disconnected to it but i know that if affected me and sometimes i feel towards it like how it was when it was fresh
i feel like ill never be anymore than this and ill never get over this and ill never really be able to live my life

its weird i feel more distant to it than ever but it seems like its on my mind again
i redownloaded i am sober for unrelated reasons after about a year and saw some of my old community vents and its surprising to me it actually did affect me really really bad once before my brain just decided to kinda block it all out
sometimes ill see pictures from when it happened and i remember it
i dont remember it like im reliving it tho i remember it more like a spectator
it feels weird considering that yeah its my trauma and every time i tell new people i get close to about it because they always seem a little more concerned than i am
sometimes i wish i felt it a bit more but it really was horrible when i did

ive also just been having a rough few weeks, esp with what happened 2 weeks ago, so i guess other feelings are kinda popping back up to say hi too
im sure ill stop thinking about it soon enough but yeah it just feels weird