I can’t let him go, even though he’s already gone.
Hi everyone,
Over the last few months, I’ve found a lot of comfort reading posts here during my worst moments, so thank you first of all :)))
Very briefly: my boyfriend of five years left me in January during what I believe was a manic episode. At the time, I was trying to recover from a sexual assault (in October, not by him), and I truly believed I could rely on him for support.
Instead, he cheated on me, immediately got together with the new woman after the breakup, and told her very distorted things about me — that I was toxic, crazy and overreacting about the whole situation. In reality, I was deeply traumatized and struggling mentally after what had happened to me (I just realized this month’s after the breakup, that Not I was the problem). The whole thing felt unreal. He changed everything during the mania - his appearance, style, studies, personality, even the way he moved and spoke. Sometimes I see him around town and genuinely feel like I don’t recognize him anymore. The first months were horrific. I honestly wasn’t sure I would survive. But I did - and I am proud.
Now that the anger and shock are slowly fading, all that’s left is this overwhelming longing. I miss who he used to be before the mania so much. I miss my best friend. And that’s what frustrates me the most, because rationally I know: the person who loved me would never have treated me this way in the hardest wee of my life. Still, emotionally it feels like being away from him is the wrong direction.
I feel weak and lonely. Does this feeling eventually go away?
And if I’m being completely honest, the biggest part of me still desperately wants to hear that one day he’ll realize what he did and come back. I don’t know what I need to hear, but I need to tell anyone.