I [29M] deeply enjoy life with my boyfriend [31M], but I can’t tell if our sexual dynamic is a fixable mismatch or a sign we’re fundamentally incompatible
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 months. He’s honestly the healthiest, kindest and most stable partner I’ve ever had. He’s caring, reliable, emotionally respectful, supportive of my needs, and we spend almost all of our free time together. I recently even moved into his place temporarily to see how living together feels, and domestically we function surprisingly well.
The issue is our sexual/romantic dynamic.
He’s a very reserved, controlled, quiet person overall. He works an extremely demanding job as a doctor (often 250–300 hours/month), so I understand stress and exhaustion play a role. But even outside of work stress, our sexual energy has always felt very calm, predictable and emotionally restrained.
He initiates sex, cuddles me constantly, kisses me affectionately and says loving things, but sexually I rarely feel desired in the way I emotionally respond to. During sex he’s usually quiet, doesn’t really express much verbally, and our routines tend to look very similar every time. I’m much more responsive to passion, spontaneity, emotional boldness, flirting, playful aggression, etc.
What makes this difficult is that I know he loves and wants me. He even recently explicitly said he wants me, not just "a relationshiop". I believe him. But I still find myself missing the feeling of being passionately wanted.
I’ve communicated this to him before. I tried bringing it up gently and also tried changing things myself through flirting, initiating differently, experimenting more physically, etc. He did one thing I mentioned liking, but overall the dynamic hasn’t changed much. He also got hurt when I compared our chemistry to previous partners who were more expressive sexually.
At the same time, I’m scared I’m sabotaging a genuinely loving relationship because I’m overly focused on chemistry and erotic energy. I’ve never been in love before, so I genuinely don’t know if this is how it's "supposed to be" in the beginning or I'm jumping over hoops to ignore that this is a sexual mismatch and thus a valid reason to break up.
I’d especially appreciate perspectives from people who stayed with a quieter/less sexually expressive partner, experienced a "reat partner but not a great lover" dynamic, or found ways to build stronger passion and erotic connection over time in an otherwise healthy relationship- what changed things for you, and what made you realize whether the relationship could or couldn’t work long-term?
Sorry if I'm rambling, but I'm giga analysis expert with inability to make a decision. I don't want to make a mistake for myself and also hurt a great guy.
TL;DR:
My boyfriend is loving, stable and emotionally safe, but sexually restrained and low-intensity. I miss feeling passionately desired by other men in the past and can’t tell whether this is a workable difference in sexual style or a deeper incompatibility that will keep bothering me long-term.