Learning to breathe
Hey y'all! I had a realization that I needed to say this out loud otherwise it was going to eat me alive inside.
Monday I had my last chemo infusion! So unbelievably relieved to have gotten through that. Obviously it's no cake walk. Embracing looking like a cross between Uncle Fester and Calliou was never something envisioned having to go through when I was growing up, but hey at least my dark humor has really become perfected so I'll take that as a win.
Got the confirmation date for my surgery. And suddenly everything just kinda... Stopped. When I got diagnosed 7 months ago, I came to terms with everything relatively quickly. All the scans, port placement, knowing I needed chemo, going thru chemo, all the side effects and bullshit in between, I've been soldiering through it all like it's just something I've gotta deal with and get through so I can move on with my life. The confirmation for my surgery date made me feel for the first time a genuine sense of fear.
I'm struggling with the fact that I'm going to willingly be put to sleep and wake up and have a part of me amputated from my body. Having to put so much trust into the hands of someone else is unbelievably humbling. I'm such a control freak that this entire experience has forced me to relinquish the need for control.
We all go through so much in such a short amount of time when you get a cancer diagnosis. It's very surreal when you have moments when life slows down for a second. And you just have to remember to keep breathing.