First campaign character
Hello everyone !
First, I am sorry for the long text. I know it may sound like someone asking for people to do everything for him, but I swear it's not the case.. I am just questioning myself and seek the experience of other people
I am starting as a PC in a new campaign, I am a new player and rather unsecure about my ability to do something good that my DM would appreciate. It is held in the world of the Withlight Carnival. The incipit (summarised) is that younger me (and the others PC, separately) went into the carnival without a ticket, got found and scolded by Witch and Light, and after that day we lost something in us (could be anything, taste, a meaningful object, anything..) and I had the idea to do a character that lost the access (or just lost) his negative emotions and feelings (sadness, anger, disgust, regrets, guilt... among other things) but still feels all the positive one (joy, gratitude, hope, pride, amusement, awe, carelessness), never mourning people, as he can't feel sadness, never able to get angry, or even if he hurts himself, he can feel the pain but no negative feelings about it, like "meh, happens, everything's right" but it also brings the next question, because here's the thing. Can he even love something, truly, if he knows that losing it would bring him nothing ? No tears, mourning. If grief is what proves something mattered, and he can't grieve... did it ever matter to him at all ?
It's like that idea that death is not the opposite of life. Death is the proof that something was worth living. Light doesn't exist without darkness to define it. Darkness has no meaning without the light it swallows. They don't cancel each other out, they create each other.
So my character walks around full of some sort of happiness and carelessness. And somewhere deep down, even he must wonder : is what I feel real, if it costs me nothing to lose it ? I'd also like to add the idea that it creates a void inside him, like something is stuck, you know like when you cry or scream and let all your anger out, leading to some relief. He never gets to have a "good cry". And would that also mean that he'd lost the feeling f nostalgia? Or when you cry because you're so happy? Since these comes from happiness, but also from the feeling of missing someone, can he miss someone ?
I guess that he can notice absence and also prefer presence. But missing someone is an ache, and he doesn't ache. If someone he loves leaves or dies, he will remember them warmly, or would he not? He may think of them often. But he will not miss them the way others do. He will simply... follow his course.
And he might know this about himself. And smile anyway (I'm getting really sentimental about him right now)
Because when you cry from happiness, those tears come from overflow, from something mattering so much it spills. He can feel happiness, even deep happiness. But it never spills I guess. It just... is. And then it isn't. The cup fills but never overflows.
I know I'm dragging it but also I'd like him to have some faith (cleric or paladin), before or after his "curse" I don't know, but that would also mean, what would happen if his god leaves him ? Since he won't feel any sadness, or guilt over it ? Or would the god chose him because of that ? If he was faithful before losing it, how his relation to that god would evolve ?
What happens when something genuinely should break him and doesn't?
Not just death or loss, but something that would break anyone. And he watches himself not feeling anything. He doesn't feel relief. He doesn't feel horror. He feels nothing about feeling nothing.
He might notice other people crying at beautiful things and feel genuinely puzzled not coldly, but curiously. "What is happening to them that isn't happening to me?"
(And, he'd return to the Carnival because he knew he lost something but does not know what, and also because Carnivals are supposed to bring you all sort of emotions)
Right, I think that’s all. Thanks for putting up with me! (I am not a native speaker so there might be some syntactic mistakes and spelling errors)