My husband cheated with sex workers throughout our marriage. Now he says he’s changed.
I (33F) caught my husband (35M) cheating and we've now been separated for 5 months. We were together for 5 years total (dated 2 years, married 3) and don't have children.
For this incident, he said he cheated with a sex worker because he was on cocaine and partly because I didn’t put effort into my appearance anymore.
About 2 months into our marriage, I found out he had been texting a sex worker. He promised it would never happen again. At the time of texting, he blamed being intoxicated, but I didn’t realize at this point that he also had a cocaine problem or that cocaine/drinking would lead him into this cycle of seeking out paid sex workers.
Over the next 2 years of marriage, I felt anxious and was always on edge. I wanted to know where he was and wanted his location on. He said he felt trapped and like he had no freedom.
What I didn’t know at the time was that he was continuing to cheat throughout our marriage, both texting and meeting paid sex workers in person. I only learned the full extent of it now. His explanation has always been that cocaine created this cycle for him.
Over the last few months of being separated, we tried to make things work, but I couldn't move past the hurt. I would bring it up because I felt sad and couldn’t understand how someone I loved so much could do this to me. I told him I wasn't looking for repeated apologies, I wanted reassurance and comfort. Instead, he would get defensive and say I was attacking him, that I just wanted to stay unhappy, or that I couldn’t move forward. Our arguments would escalate quickly, and he would get disrespectful and start cussing.
Since separating, things have been up and down. He admitted he started using cocaine and seeing sex workers again during our separation. When I asked why, he blamed being on cocaine and that I shouldn't have left him in the first place because that put him in a bad place.
Recently, he told me he's been sober and away from sex workers for around 1.5-2 months and says he won’t go back. He says he wants a life with me.
The problem is I don’t feel like myself anymore. I feel flat, numb, and like I don’t experience joy the same way. I don’t look forward to things anymore, things that are really huge in my life and exciting but I just don't feel joy. I’m in my head constantly and feel so strange about life. I feel like I'm older now, but my life is falling apart. I wanted to have children, and that was our next step.
I do miss him and when we spend time together, I do feel happy being around him. We can laugh and have really good times together. He gives me quality time and he likes to do things together. However, I do get this feeling of dread and anxiety like I’m waiting for something bad thing to happen.
I also know that if I go back, I risk living the rest of my life monitoring him, worrying about drugs, worrying about cheating, needing reassurance I don’t get, and staying quiet about my hurt just to keep the peace. He says things are good when I’m happy and don’t bring up the past.
Should I consider going back, and how should I go about it to be happy? AND any tips on what I can do to feel like myself and happy again?