Im confused what will happen of me
For reference im 18. Dont mind this shitty language.
Im not really the kind who has friends. My life is all about whats inside my head. When im infront of people im just not it. Thats acting. And honestly apart from that shell i dont even know what i am like, based on just these daydreams. Thats how long ive been like this.
Sometimes i end up not having a word with anyone for over a few days, that is except when i just have to. It can get to a week without stepping out. At this point i dont see how anything could change, given this never ending cycle. Next semester never comes the filth fades onto next. I too want to have fun, have a life except books, want to go out with someone whom im not blood related with, go out and kill time beautifully.
But people, lets just say im not in the sweet spot given my anxiety around humans. Not the best at walking this line. Quite literally. You could tell something is up with me by looking at the way i walk. Hands and steps out of sync. All thanks to dysmorphia. And my teachers and parents and everyone. And yes it looks silly. Sometimes not. Its one of the three ways people notice me. They either pity me, make fun of me or just fear me. In any way though, they always have a blast staring at me in public. I hate it though. Its like a staring contest but theyre all looking at me. Or at least it feels like so until i turn my head to them. Reasons to not go out man. Oh and fear, yeah its because i dont express a lot so they reasonably think i could be a psychopath or worse. I dont blame them, i might be as well and wouldnt know.
I can genuinely imagine someone being so shocked if they see me writing this. Once someone in my class said she was shocked to learn that i speak as well. One other said he was concerned cuz i really look pissed at him (I didnt even know him
... )
But generally speaking, its not that bad when im with someone i know. Even if they dont know whom theyre protecting, they dont know that they dont know. I have zero skills of dealing with social situations by myself. Well wow how shocking. At my age i see so many people living their lives to the fullest. Staying over at each others'. Going to concerts. Grooming themselves becoming their best! Whats stopping me from all of what im crying for? Yes right. Its a whole different story. A little bit of family, some delusions, and a failed dream for which i gave up so much.
Its a failed coup. Thanks for reading this trash. I tried to make it sound appealing.