I (37 F ) am angry at my (35 F) stepsister for being in a relationship with a man who ruined my life. Does it really matter that this is ruining our parents marriage?
This sounds a little harsh, I know. Let me go back so that you can understand me better. I was 16 years old when I became involved with an older man. He was a ( 23 M ) at the time. I grew up with absent parents therefore I sort of became a wild child in my teen years. Drinking & partying & not having much guidance. This man was married & had a child. We became sickly obsessed with eachother. I was unaware until 6 months in that he had a family. I was devastated. I couldn't believe that I had fallen for this guy. I was so angry that he would do this to his wife & to me. I couldn't understand why though, that I still couldn't stay away from him. He said & did all the right things. Even now ( we will come back to this. ) He somehow convinced his wife to have me move in & become the nanny. His wife & I became best friends & both did any and everything he ever wanted. The spell he had on us both is & was sickening. Eventually she divorced him, & I 18 at this time met somebody my own age that I was interested in. I was still living with this guy & let's just call him Joe. I told Joe that I had fallen for another guy who was really good for me & I wanted to move out & move on with my life. He became so angry & much more controlling. When I moved out, he would show up everywhere I was. Grocery stores, restaurants, nail salons. You name it, there Joe was. After I finally got the law involved this eneded. Or so I thought. Somehow, some way he snuck back into my life. For the next 14ish years he still had control & I became the " other woman " Through several relationship and marriages for him. He never would just be with me or make anything official. It is so gross. I was so young & naive & manipulated. I somehow got away ( for the most part ) & am now happily married for over 10 years & have children of my own. He still until recently had to always check in on me every so often. Text & calls to see how I was. Still flirty. Still making sure I know he's around. I heard some rumors that my step sister was dating him. My heart dropped to my stomach. I could not see her go through things he put me through & I could not even fathom the thought of him being a part of our family. I mean, saying" hey dude pass me the salt." at a family dinner after everything just seems insane right!? Well , I spoke with her & I made it very clear that I obviously do not control her life but that this man is somebody very complicated & very uncomfortable to me. I without going into detail told her that he & I have a long & difficult past & that it would make me super uncomfortable as her sister if she continues to see him. She told me that he wasn't anything for me to be worried about & that she loves me & would never do anything to make me uncomfortable. Fast forward a week later & I find out that she lied & is in a relationship with him. I KNOW this man. I KNOW how easily he lovebombs & manipulates but I am still angry with her, because I feel as though me coming to her & being honest about how this would make me feel that she should have ended things with him right away or at the very least been honest with me. I understand the control he could have on her. I know I may be overreacting as it has been yeeears since this, but, it doesn't erase the hurt & pain & everything else. That doesn't go away, we just learn to live with it & move on. I have cut all communication with her. I have had a conversation with Joe & even he has apologized profusely and I swear AI generated a perfect story for me because to this day, how dare his reputation be tarnished. " I won't defend or explain any of this away. " " I am truly so sorry. " Blah blah blah. Now, our parents are angry because I refuse to be around the 2 of them. I refuse to not stand up for myself in this situation. Now it is becoming a problem for them. Step parent wants her around, real parent wants me around, I refuse so it makes them fight. Why on earth does everyone seem to think that I am the one who is wrong here!? There are no expiration dates on trauma or pain. Maybe I am wrong. I don't have the answer here.